MCTS

This is another rant, so I apologize to anyone that's getting sick of them.

I don't have my driver's license. The primary reason being I was too broke to do Driver's Ed in high school, and now I'm too broke to take the tests on my own. That aside, even if I did have a license, I'm way too broke to afford a car, even a clunky beat up car. So I rely almost entirely on the bus system to get around.

Which wouldn't be so bad, if the bus were ever ON TIME.

There's nothing worse than standing outside for 20 minutes because A) the bus came early, or B) the bus is super late. Especially when it happens to be somewhere around -3 degrees out.

I hate being late for anything. In fact, I'm usually 15+ minutes early for everything. Except when I have to take the bus.

Ok, so on average it usually isn't a problem. Maybe I just have the worst luck with the bus route that I use. But it is getting a little out of hand. I understand that the buses are all running late because of the snow. Totally out of my control, but I'll still be late for work, and I'll still get written up for it (another rant that I will not air publicly like this).

Even in the summer, for no reason apparent to me, I'll have a bus show up a full half hour late. If I were to ask the bus driver, they usually get super defensive and hostile. I've also noticed that drivers take really long layovers, and frequently leave the mall 5-10 minutes after they're scheduled to.

I don't know what to do about it but it's driving me nuts.

Snow

Alright, time for another sporadic, semi-ranting blog post. Today's subject: Snow.

It's currently snowing again. We got roughly 11 inches on Friday, 4 more Saturday, and now the white stuff is floating down from the heavens like so many feathers from a ripped down pillow.

And I hate it.

You know that part in the song where it goes "And since we've no place to go, let it snow let it snow let it snow!" Yeah. I ALWAYS have someplace to go. And it's usually by bus. And I'll usually end up standing in a snow drift up to my thighs waiting for a bus that's 25 minutes late (Yeah, that happened today). And not only is it snowing like the dickens lately, it's also colder than a witch's teat. Apparently Gaia sees fit to alter between death by burial in snow and death by frost. I don't even know if it should be snowing. Last I checked, it was only 3 degrees out.

On the bright side, it was a white Yule and it'll be a white Christmas. On the other hand, in about three days all the snow will turn brown and gray with dirt and sludge and will freeze and accumulate in epic proportions. I read in the Journal-Sentinal the other day that we've already had more snow than last year, in the month of December. I hope the trend doesn't continue, because we all remember last year.

I definitely live in the wrong region. I'd be perfectly happy if I never saw another snowflake again, even a paper one. It's freezing in my apartment and snowing outside and all I can do is fantasize about lying on a beach in Hawaii drinking a strawberry daquiri (virgin, of course).

I wish I wasn't poor and in insane debt, because I'd love to be warm for once. In California, or Hawaii, or Florida, or anywhere where it doesn't snow. Maybe Mexico, or the Bahamas. Yeah, I could definitely take a cruise around the Carribean.

Well. At least the stuff is pretty, for a little while. Now if only it were warm...

Vampires

I haven't seen the Twilight movie yet, and to be honest, I'm putting it off. First of all, I'm rarely ever happy with book to movie translations. They always ruin some part of the storyline. Sometimes its forgivable (Interview with the Vampire) and sometimes it isn't (Blood and Chocolate). Maybe it'll be alright because Stephenie Meyer got to give input during the production of the movie. The same was true of Anne Rice in Interview. Movies that just have the rights to the characters and plotline generally suck on an epic scale. Blood and Chocolate was a good movie, but if you'd read the book you'd be screaming at the screen ten minutes in. Also, Queen of the Damned was a good movie (still one of my favorites), but again if you'd read the book you'd think it was awful.

I am excited to learn that the third Underworld movie is coming out next month. Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycan is a prequel to the other two. I have a feeling it may be a straight to DVD thing, as the second Underworld didn't do so well. I'm excited either way.

You may also have noticed that I really like vampire movies (and books) as well as movies (and books) about werewolves. Ironically, I can't handle zombies.

Something else that I want to point out: I have a feeling that the young dating scene has now been completely ruined by Twilight. Girls are reading this epic romance and boys are watching porn. Talk about a gap. I still haven't convinced The Boy to read Twilight, but he has (extremely reluctantly) agreed to take me to the movie. I think we'll wait on that until it's playing at the Budget.

Race

I think I'm a few paces ahead of you. I'm sorry. But, I don't know how to slow down. The most I can do is stand in one spot and pray you'll catch up to me.

I want to turn back the clock, just one year. Things were much more simple between you and I. I would tell myself not to sprint right out of the starting gates. I would tell myself to jog right alongside you, even if I knew I could win the race.

Though I still have miles in me, I'm going to stand here in this spot and wait. Please, don't quit the race. You'll catch up to me and we can jog right alongside each other.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Holiday

I know it makes me sound like a Scrooge, but I absolutely detest the holiday season.

I enjoy being with my family, but that's about it. Gift giving is expensive and stressful. Cooking for a large amount of people is stressful and expensive. Working during the holiday shopping madness is stressful and frustrating. I can't wait for all of this to be over.

Except then that means that we get no hours at work. Not that we're getting much now. I'm not going to go into that rant, but it is getting a little trying. Especially since The Boy has been temporarily laid off AGAIN. There just isn't any work for him coming in, because companies aren't doing the same advertising that they did this time last year. His aunt keeps telling him to just get a better job, but the problem is, there aren't any other jobs for him out there. Let alone a job that will provide him with the health insurance he's finally getting, and at the pay rate he's at. Or a job that's willing to let him study while the machines run.

Maybe it was bad timing, but I put in my 2 weeks notice at ON. I'm not even scheduled next week though, and I'll be willing to bet that I won't be scheduled the week after next either. Not that I was making more than 50 bucks a month anyways.

I'm going to see if the 24 hour store needs any help for late shifts. I like working at that store, and I'm awake into the wee hours of the morning anyways so what can it hurt? Though I'm not expecting to find any hours, we're all feeling the crunch.

So instead of a holiday season similar to last year, this year is all about scrimping and saving while still trying to do nice things. For example, my secret santa at work was lamenting that she might not be able to get anything for her daughter for Christmas, because she's getting such low hours, and on top of that we're cutting labor. So included in her present I'm getting something for her daughter (something small, like a barbie or something). I hope it isn't to forward but since I'm in a better place than she is, I feel like its something that I should do. You know, put good things out there and good will return to you.

The Boy and I also got our pictures taken today at Sears. I requested the wrong photographer by accident (there are two by the same name), but it went all right. Except for how breathtakingly un-photogenic I am and how stunning The Boy looks. Sigh.

Well...that's it for now I suppose. I haven't been updating but its gotten a bit hectic around here.

Gearing up

I'm sitting in the mall as I type this. There are shoppers lounging on chairs and walking around with giant Disney Store and KB Toys bags. The holiday decorations are up and twinkling. Sounds like your typical afternoon at the mall right?

Wrong.

Because it's 2 am.

I haven't slept yet, and I'm just getting started on what's going to be literal hell for me. 16 hours of work. 19 hours in the mall. And people are ALREADY HERE.

I'm putting in my 2 weeks at ON today though. AND I'm going to ask my manager to shorten my shift. Suck it, retail.

I don't even know if this is making sense, because I'm just now getting tired. I tried to sleep earlier but I was wide awake and no sleep came. I bought some of those 5 hour energy shot things though, so we'll see if they're any good and if they do any good. I heard they taste absolutely disgusting though, so I'm a little timid.

This is bad. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to doze off at any moment. This is usually when I go to bed. Not when I get up to go to work. Suicide is looking like my best option.

Friday rant

This Friday morning I will be waking up bright and early at 2:30 AM (well, I probably won't go to sleep the night before) to arrive at the mall at 3 AM to grab some coffee before starting work at 3:30 AM. Then I'll be working a 9 hour shift, have a couple hours of downtime (read: naptime) and then I'll be heading in to my other job from 3:30 in the afternoon until 10:30 at night.

I want to kill myself.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect people to wait until at least dawn to get to their holiday shopping. I do not think that people need to be waiting in line to get into a store at midnight. That's completely ridiculous. Also, I for one am not looking forward to a 16 hour workday.

Not to mention that I'm scheduled to do sales floor stuff (register, recovery, etc) at ON. That would be fine except my training for sales floor was approx. 6 weeks ago and lasted for about an hour. I don't remember how to work the register. I don't remember the color flow. But they're going to expect me to jump right into it with lines headed to hell in a handbasket.

Then after I'm done figuring out how to do my job on my own because I was never really trained for 9 hours, I get to jump right into a job that I know backwards and forwards for 7 hours. Which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just worked 9 hours. I'm really hoping that nobody expects me to be the most friendly barista in the world by then, because I'm expecting to be dead on my feet by the time 3:30 rolls around. Hell, I'm going to be surprised if I don't flat out fall asleep on my feet halfway through my second shift.

I understand that people sometimes work 12 hour workdays, and that's what they're expected to do. It sucks, but it can't be THAT bad, they say. Oh no? In my limited experience the 12 hour shifts are for factory workers. Factory workers that don't have to be SUPER HAPPY AND EXCITED TO BE SERVING YOU COFFEE!!!!! Because that's how I'm expected to behave, for those 16 hours. (Replacing clothing items for coffee for the first nine hours).

Suicide looks like my best option right now.

Guidelines

Just another friendly reminder from your neighborhood barista!

Keeping in mind that things will get hectic during the bustling holiday season, here are a few additional guidelines to keep handy:

1. Keep in mind that when you get into a line 20 people deep its going to take a while for you to get your drink(s). Also, keep in mind that 20 people does not equate 20 drinks. Some customers may order upwards of 7-10 beverages, plus pastries. Don't tell me I'd better stop taking orders until you get your drink. If I were to do that, I'd have a mob on my hands, and frankly, I'd direct them at you.

2. To keep lines moving, also keep in mind that you will have to pay for your drink. Refrain from ordering and then giving me a blank stare, before frantically searching in your gigantic purse for exact change. On a related note, do not hand (or throw at) me a wad of uncounted, greasy, damp bills. For starters, that's unsanitary and frankly disgusting, and second, it forces me to count out your money for you.

2b. I understand money is tight this season. Trust me, I'm feeling it too. But please for the love of the stars, do not just hand me a baggie of loose change to pay for your $8 order. Its one thing if you count it yourself and hand it to me in dollar increments. It's an entirely different matter if you simply plunk it down on the counter and tell me you don't really know how much is there. Congratulations, you've just pissed off a line of at least 20 people, and trust me, that mob is directed entirely at you.

3. This is an important one, I cannot stress this enough. Our tip jar, while debated on several occasions, is not a take-a-penny jar. It has bills in it. No, you cannot just "take some change". No, you cannot make change with it. That's not just my money in there, but the entire staff's money. As mentioned before, these are some tough times. That extra $20 a week pays for gas to get to work, and it isn't just me you're offending. There's about 20 of us so...yep. Another 20 person mob directed entirely at you. Please, keep your paws off.

4. As it is our busiest time of the year, we have quite a few drinks to make. The one I happen to be making at any given moment may or may not be yours. So please refrain from leaning into my space and shouting directions at me. First, I know what I'm doing, and second, you look stupid because I'm making a drink that doesn't remotely resemble what you ordered. No whip on that iced drink? Don't worry, I'm making someone else's hot chocolate right now. Chillax.

5. Unfortunately we cannot do anything about the endless long lines. They're actually very good for buisness, so we really don't want to stop people from lining up for some delicious coffee goodness. I apologize, but no, you cannot sneak around and order from behind us. And no, you cannot come to the side entrance and order from there. I don't care if you're Madonna, you have to stand in line just like everybody else.

5b. Reminder #5 also applies to those that just want a cup of water. You'll get it in due time, and since you haven't actually purchased anything, I'm not going to break into a sweat running to get you something to drink. The exception to this would be if you were feinting or possibly dying. Otherwise, sorry to break it to you, but you have to wait in line like everyone else. This also applies to picking up your water. It will get to you in the order you stood in line. Also, please do not complain about the size cup it comes in. It's a free cup of water. You get what I give you. If you really need 24 oz of water that badly, we sell bottles of it in the refrigerated case. It even supports charity.

6. Being a special time of year, we'll be stocking special merchandise for your shopping delights. We've taken great care to arrange them to be absolutely appealing in every way. I'm sorry that you disagree with our marketing techniques, but please do not rearrange everything as you see fit. The same still applies to the refrigerated case. Do not rearrange that either.

7. I understand that this is the time of year to spend with family and friends. Communication is key in arranging events and get-togethers and well, just plain catching up. But please, refrain from using your cell phone at the same time you're trying to order. If you get to the register, you're expected to place your order and move along to the pick-up line. If you hold your finger and indicate that I should wait, holding your place as head of the line, while you gab on about some personal buisness that frankly, I don't want to hear, I will skip you. You are clearly not ready to order your beverage, and I will move along to the next person that IS ready to order and move along to the next line. No hard feelings, it's just that there's a mob of 20 people behind you giving me death glares. I prefer to keep all my limbs intact, thank you.

Also, using your cell phone while ordering and carrying on that oh-so-important conversation about what the dog ate and pooped out, the risk of you ordering the wrong drink skyrockets to an unbelievable 99.9%. I have no idea what you meant by "that chocolate drink". Hot cocoa? Perhaps a mocha latte? Iced mocha? Mocha frappe? One of our delicious chocolatey holiday beverages? You didn't specify, so I'm going to have to take a stab in the dark. And, new rule, if you don't specify size, I'm going to automatically assume you want the large. You seem like you're on top of the world, you deserve a large. Yeah, its gonna cost you around five bucks. Oh well, you should have told me you wanted a small. I'll fix it, but now you're paying attention, which was really my only goal here.

8. In the interest of time and subdueing that mob behind you, please know what you would like, how many, what size, what flavor, and give me your pastry order. In your pastry order, please have an idea of what you would like, and how many of each item. It's a pain for both of us and the 20 people behind you, if you order 5 drinks and 5 pastries and I have to repeat "What flavor, what size, how many, what kind of pastry, how many" for EVERY ITEM. Please, just don't. I implore you.

These are just some rough guidlines to keep at the forefront of your mind this holiday season. If followed, I can guarantee you'll have the best holiday shopping coffee experiance all day.

Thank you.

Macbookage

I was just browsing around and I saw a sidebar ad for the new MacBook. It features an aluminum case and black outline around the screen, as well as a black keyboard.

I just want to say that I'm sooo glad that I got my Mac before this...thing was the only one you could buy. Not to mention it's super ugly, it also comes with a higher price.

Thank the Ebay gods I found mine for $600 used.

Because yes, part of my requirements in a computer is that it look good. I have to be able to WANT to use it. This new ugly thing...ew. I'd rather own a much cheaper PC and deal with Windows than use that ugly Mac.

I love my old, all white MacBook. Just sayin'.

Done

I'm just making a quick rant about job #2 before I head off to job #1.

I called in sick yesterday and today, because...well because I'm sick. Yesterday I called but nobody answered, because apparently nobody was there until 8. So technically it was a no-call no-show. Whatever. So one of the managers calls me today and tells me that because I called in sick, I need a doctor's note. No. I'm not going to the doctor for a cold. First off, I can't afford it until at least Friday, and second, what is the doctor going to tell me? "You have a cold." Seriously.

So I called in the only two days I'm scheduled this week. That makes a total of 6 hours per week, maximum. Now, I was told before I even applied for the job that I'd probably get 15-20 hours a week, which was fine. But 3-6? Not worth my time, and not worth the stress on my body that getting up at 6 am once a week does.

Then I was told that the head honcho manager does the schedules now, and unless I "prove" myself, I won't be getting any more hours. So I'm vying for attention among 8 other new hires for a measly 6 hours a week? No.

On top of that, I've had so many run-ins with people that are either A) rude or B) have absolutely no idea how to do their jobs correctly, that I'm pretty much just done. I'm handing my 2 weeks in either today or tomorrow. I'll be nice and not leave them high and dry for Black Friday, but after that, no more.

I've dealt with bad management, bad pay for the work I have to do, and rude co-workers enough in high school. I quit that job for a damn good reason. I'm not putting up with it again, especially since I have another job, a job that pays better, and treats me like an actual human being. I love that job.

Speaking of which, I'm now headed off to that job.

Have a good night everyone.

Guilty

Ok, I know I haven't posted anything in a long time. I guess its just that time of year when I find myself doing eighty things at once. Its surprising I haven't given myself an ulcer yet.

I'm a Shift Supervisor at work now, which is nice but its a lot more stressful. Especially with Black Friday looming over the horizon. Not only that, but my training was one long cram session, and I'm not sure I absorbed everything. But, C'est la vie.

I haven't started any of my holiday shopping, but I plan to get most of it done online. I'm just broker than broke right now. In fact, we've gotten our first "CALL ME NOW" note from our landlord tonight. Fantastic.

I highly regret going to Iowa. All it did was throw a huge wrench into my life and my happiness. I'll be paying for that short jaunt for at least another three years. Literally. My credit card is just about maxed out because I didn't get paid for two and a half months. (Thanks Iowa).

Sorry. I'm trying to be a less negative person. It isn't working.

At least things with The Boy are coming along just splendidly. Seriously. Its wonderful. I'm trying really hard to stop coming on here to vent my frustrations with him. I know I need to throw some positives in there. I just have this mindset that negative things should be brought to light and resolved that way, whereas positive things are quietly acknowledged.

Also, I'm really aware that I made this huge deal about this not being a personal blog and blah blah blah but really I don't have much else to write about. And blogging helps me to clear my head most of the time. Oh well. It is what it is.

I don't know if I'm going to finish NaNoWriMo. I'm severely behind, on account of non-stop work and life obligations. I did start something though. Something really good. Probably the best I've ever done so far. I really want to see this one through to the end. But, I'll have to find time to write it. I've been trying to write things that are modern and trendy lately, but they're just no good. I guess I just have to stick with what I'm good at: horror, romance, and gothic fiction. Fantastic.

History

Forget that last blog. Just forget it.

We're witnessing history here.

Our first president was elected by only white men. Our next president has been elected by men and women of all colors and creeds. We have truly made progress as a Nation, as a people.

This has been my first election. The first time I've voted. The first time we've elected an African-American president.

I feel tremendous. I feel part of something bigger than I am. And I am proud, for once, of my country and my fellow countrymen.

I wish everyone peace and happiness. I am so full of pride, I'm going to cry.

Candidate

I'm watching the numbers roll in. So far, Obama looks like he'll come out on top. Here's hoping.

Anyways, something that I've been hearing about, from voters, is "how will this effect ME?".

I think that's the wrong way to think. I think when a new leader is elected, the voters should think, "How will this effect US".

I think that we need to get rid of this me me me attitude and look out for each other. Seriously.

Duty

Please, please, please vote.

And don't bitch if you don't vote. You had your chance.

I haven't blogged in forever. Shoot me. Well, since its 1 AM and I have to be up at 6 for work, and I'm wide awake, I'll update everybody.

...Except that nothing exciting has happened recently.

I'm doing NaNoWriMo, which is short for National Novel Writing Month, which lasts through November. So far I haven't really written anything, and I've changed the story entirely three separate times. So much for serious writing.

I'm also doing a Twilight the Movie craft swap, which I'm really excited for, because Gods know how fond I am of THAT book series. Actually, I managed to coerce The Boy into taking me to the premier. I have yet to convince him to go to a midnight showing with me, but he's consented to take me at least the day after it releases. And Best Friend wants to go in a small group, so I'll end up seeing it twice. I'm tres excited.

Lets see...what else?

Oh, I'm thinking of adopting a cat. That's going to be a ways off into the future, because The Boy wants to adopt a kitten, so that we can have more...sway...in its behavior. I still don't think there's a problem with adopting a full grown cat, but I see his point. And not only that, we still live in a technically no pets apartment building (except I know people have pets; one apartment has a cat and another has a dog, we have gerbils, and we think Bike Guy has a snake). The other benefit to having a kitten would be training it to leave the gerbils be. Though, they're all in tanks and on shelves so I can't imagine how a cat would get at them. But like I said, we're still planning.

I would also like to add that tomorrow is going to be the worst day ever. I have to work at ON from 7-10 am, then I have to wait around the mall for 3.5 hours until my shift at the bux. Seriously, I only have 6 hours this week at ON. If this is going to be a consistent thing, then I'm not sure I'm going to keep the job. I mean, I would make the same amount of money in tips every week. Not only that, but if I cut out ON that means I have more time for the bux. Which is helpful.

And sadly, I had my nose stud replaced with a clear flexible plastic stud. I had to lie and say that I had the piercing for 3 weeks longer than how long I've really had it. And accordingly, they had trouble getting the stud in my nose. Apparently though, the guy that orders the jewelry keeps ordering the flexi-plastic instead of the hard plastic, which creates difficulties. So the guy came over and more or less re pierced my nose with the plastic stud. So now it aches, but at least its a smaller stud and won't poke my septum anymore. That was very very irritating. And this way I don't have to stick a stupid band-aid over my nose every day.

Ugh. I'm not even close to sleepy or tired in any way. Thank goodness I planned ahead and laid everything out for myself. My only fear now is that I won't hear my alarm and sleep til noon (which is entirely possible). Then again, hate to say it, but I really don't care enough about that job to be worried. I'm already doubting the value of the job to begin with, and I don't really think I'll be staying on after the holidays anyways. I'm looking at this as a seasonal thing, and I guess I'm just going to have to play it by ear. I'll be making way more at the bux, especially if I (FINALLY) start shift training and get more hours. Which was the only reason I got the second job to begin with. Ugh.

I'm going to stop ranting now and try try try to fall asleep.

Purpose

When I started this blog, it was meant to be nothing more than a place for me to showcase craft projects and the like. I suppose that never happened, since I've never posted a craft project. Then, I had the vision of blogging away, sharing my own social commentary and rants as needed. I suppose, that's happened in part, but I've let my personal life and problems get in the way.

From here on out, I'm going to stop posting personal issues and woes, except on Sundays. I'm taking the idea from Dave at Blogography. I know that some people only know what I'm up to by following my blog, so I figure weekly updates is the least I can do.

I'd like to keep the rest of my posts as my observations on well...society. Believe me, I've got a few rants up my sleeve.

Also, I'm going to admit a deep dark secret. I secretly hold a fictional TV character as my role model as of late. Carrie Bradshaw. Not because she prances around NYC in stilettos having sex "just like men" etc. But because she gets to be a smart, witty journalist asking questions that frankly, need to be examined. There. Shoot me. Ha.

So I guess that's it. No more weepy blogs about my boyfriend, or anything like that. I get the feeling that people don't really want to hear it, and I find that its improper to air one's dirty laundry on the internet.

Pants

I would just like to voice a little rant.

Why, oh why, does the universe feel I should be perpetually pantless? I just got back from the mall, trying so very hard to find a pair of jeans that fit. Oh, I found plenty that fit in the waist, behind, hips, thighs, all of that. But length? No. Never. I can never find a pair of jeans (or trousers) that simply fit, right off the rack. I would LOVE to be able to go into a store, and buy a pair of pants that I don't have to alter (and they never really look great after you hem them). I'm just so frustrated. But apparently I'm alone in this, or maybe they'd make pants that would fit someone only 5 feet tall.

End rant.

Observation

Why is it that every time I clean out my closet, I get rid of at least two bags of clothes? Mind you, I haven't purchased any new clothes recently, aside from work clothes, which I don't think count.

I guess its just as well, because I'm hoping to use my discount at ON to get myself some new, well fitting items. I like that they have plain things, like just t-shirts, and just tank tops. And for really cheap too. I love it. Actually, I might do that tomorrow. Let's see...

List of things to do:
Laundry
Drop stuff off at Goodwill
Go shopping
Get desk organized

Things that will actually get done:


So do you see my problem? Ha. I'm awful when it comes to doing things. I have tons of ideas, but putting them into motion is an entirely different ordeal. That's bad, right? I should work on that...

Anyways, I forgot the whole point of this post, other than I'm wasting time before The Boy gets here with my Taco Bell. Yum.

Lazy

Today I'd planned to get some stuff around the house done. I wanted to clean off my desk, clean off the eating table, and get some laundry done. So far I've done absolutely nothing, aside from setting up my iTunes library.

Which sucks because I think its starting to bother The Boy that our place is kind of a mess again.

I'm also unfortunately losing a bunch of music that I'd downloaded but never backed up to disc.

Today is just a lazy day I guess. My last day of training at ON is tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to it. Because as grateful as I am to have a second job, I'm really not that excited about working in retail. Again.

I'd clean now...but The Boy is bringing friends over and I can never get anything done with company here. Hell, I can't even get anything done with The Boy here.

Move

I guess not many of my friends know this, but I was actually born and spent a good chunk of my kidhood (read: elementary school) in Miltown, not Stallis. I used to live on the East Side, right at the heart of the Brady conglomerate. For cheaper rent, and a better public school system, my parents decided to move to Stallis, where I shared a room with my little brother, to their current residence (also Stallis). And then, because I was already going to school just a few blocks away from my parents', I didn't even think of looking for a place outside of this lovely city/suburb. Besides, The Boy works not too far away...and it just made sense to stay.

So does it make me weird for really not feeling like I belong here? Am I a freak for not really relaxing or getting that "home" feeling until I'm downtown, near the University, near the Lake? I feel like that's where I really belong. I can really imagin settling there, finding permanent work there, going to school there, the whole 9 yards. I want to move there when my lease is up.

Trouble is, The Boy hates it down there. He made it clear that if I want to move there, it would most likely be on my own. He also made it clear that if I were to somehow persuade him to move downtown, he'd spend all of his time in Stallis anyways. I mean, I understand he works all the way out here. It would be a bit of a drive. So am I totally selfish for still wanting to push the issue? Come on cyberspace, I need your advice.

On the one hand, I acknowledge his feelings on the subject: he hates being around college students (or really people in general, but that's another arguement), he hates driving downtown, and he would either have to drive all the way out past the Hwy to get to work or relocate (which, given today's economy and the fact that hes only qualified for manufacturing jobs, isn't really an option).

On the other hand, we've already established that I'm going to be the one to go to school, get a degree in something major, and have a real career. So, isn't it fair for me to get the benifit of living near school? I don't drive, and frankly, I barely feel comfortable taking the city bus to the mall to work, in Stallis. I mean, people are getting shot and beaten and robbed on buses. I don't want to have to take one at night, all the way down into that area. (Yeah, I know, you don't want to wait for a bus or take a bus but you want to LIVE there. I feel more comfortable if I'm walking to and from school at say, a ten or fifteen minute walk. I'm constantly moving. Not standing on a corner for Gods know how long, and then sitting on a bus for at least a half hour. No thanks.) Not only all of that, but that's where I feel at home.

Which I suppose brings me to the other arguement, the possibility that The Boy and I might decide that living together isn't in either of our best intrest. Does that mean that our relationship is doomed? I mean, if we live together, and then stay dating but live apart, that's like regression. What happens when one of us (read: I) want to get more serious, and perhaps seek a real commitment? I just don't know. I'm feeling a little lost on all of this.

Mac!

It arrived today. Like a small child, I sat at the window look for the FedEx truck all morning.

I think I got way too excited about this.

But, I love it. It's perfect. Easy to use, streamlined. Gorgeous.

Mine

Last night I was having the hardest time trying to win a Mac on Ebay. I just gave up. But an idea struck me. What if I could find a cheap, used, buy it now mac? And TA DA!

I just purchased a used mac for $600, which is actually less than what I paid for my Gateway last year. The OS is slightly outdated, but that can be upgraded. Also, the trackpad and casing around it had just been replaced today. In fact, I bought it less than an hour after the guy had posted it. It has an adequate amount of RAM and a 60 GB hard drive, but I'm not worried about that because I'm converting the hard drive from my Gateway to an external. Hopefully that will work.

I'm just really excited because I really need my own computer, and since I'm hoping to take mostly online courses next semester, sooner is better than later. And sometimes, used is just as good as new. So maybe my next post will be from my new (to me) mac.

Gerbil or; The Great Escape

So I'm sitting here having a nice conversation with TC, and I start hearing little shuffle sounds and such. I'm ignoring it, because sometimes my mind plays tricks on me when I'm home alone and I hear scuffling where there isn't any. Or the gerbils are just being particularly loud.

Then, I started to hear a peculiar thumpa thumpa thump. That's the sound that gerbils make with their hind feet when they're in danger. But the weird thing is, it was coming from under my bed. So, I look, and lo and behold Diamonds is sitting under my bed, behind the bin I keep my extra comforter in.

After about 5 minutes of discovering this gerbil is way too smart for me, I call in reinforcements. The Boy arrives roughly 15 minutes later, and the real chase begins. Things start off slow. Diamonds simply leads us on by running between mine and The Boy's side of the bed. Then, BAM, she kicks things up a notch by running between my legs to the safety of under the highboy. After roughly a half hour of chasing her back and forth between the bed and the highboy, we were ready to wave the white flag.

"Quick, get a cup!" Cries the boy, realizing that we will not be able to catch this villain with our hands. I make a move to get to the door, when the offender makes a break for the corner in front of the door. I tried unsuccessfully to trap her with a mesh hat. We chased her back under the bed, and I made a break for the kitchen. I grabbed a large Tupperware bowl, and returned, now clearly on a vendetta.

The chase continued, but we pressed on. Finally, after some trickery, we lured the critter to the corner. I'd plugged up the hole that she was using to get under the highboy with some laundry, and put a box in her way of escape in the other direction. It took only a few moments before she was safely under the bowl. The Boy got a folder to tuck under her, for transport back to jail, erm, her tank, and all was well in the west (Allis).

Fin.

Smith

For the last two hours I've been dabbling in some genealogy. I'm trying to track down my Irish side, and find out where in Ireland my family comes from. I managed to confirm that my great-grandmother (grams)'s maiden name was Dunn. Then, I googled it, and found out that Dunn, or Dunne, is the 27th most common name in Ireland. So, I'm basically an Irish Smith, but at least that's something.

Also, the highest concentrations are in Dublin and county Kildare. And, the meaning of the surname originates from the Irish word "donn" meaning "brown". However, there's also the possibility that it comes from the word "dun" meaning "hill". In fact, the family war cry and clan motto is "Mullach Abu" meaning "people of the hill forever".

Interesting, no?

Also I found the family crest, and some other interesting stuff here.

Ramblings

I suppose I know its time to update the good 'ole blog when people start calling me out on lack of updates in conversation. I suppose the reason I haven't updated in a while is that nothing horrible has happened in the last few days. That sounds awful, but I've noticed I really only blog when something happens that I feel the need to bitch about.

So, having just finished my pint of ice cream (which is ALWAYS a mood-booster), I'm struggling to find a topic to discuss.

Of course, there's a ton I could choose from. Politics, religion, culture, food. There's a plethora of things to talk about and to discuss and to debate. In fact, I had some really good discussions with two of my friends tonight. But right now, I got nothin'.

Actually, my life is relatively boring as of late. The most exciting thing going on is the redecoration of my bedroom. I'm pretty revved up about that actually. I decided to go with a brown and green theme. My sheets and curtains are chocolate brown, and I plan on purchasing a new lime green comforter, probably from Target. I love Target. And I found some really neat removable wall decals in the shape of bamboo. They're a tiny bit pricey (about $40 for the set) but it would make the room look SO much better. Especially since I don't have a headboard. I also want to find a bed skirt, because I hate that people can see my box spring. Its like having your undies showing. Ick.

Now the only thing left to do is organize my stuff. Which trust me, is a huge endeavor. I've got a lot of things that I hold on to for the sake of holding on to. Every time I clean my room I end up with a box for goodwill. Mostly clothes I'll never wear again. Actually, maybe tonight I'll go through all my clothes. Anything I haven't worn in a year gets tossed. Then maybe The Boy won't get so upset when I want to buy new clothes, ha. But of course, there's always one thing that I regret giving away, this last go around was my blue button down shirt. Yeah, I never wore it, but what happens if I need to get my hair done for something? I don't have a button up shirt. I suppose, I could get a new one that actually fits. But who does the logical thing? I mean really.

Also, just a quick question, who eats salad with a knife? I mean, who cuts their greens? Just take a big mouthful. Propriety? Pffft.

Well now I actually DO want to go through my closet and sort my clothes. Maybe I'll make room for all of the laundry I have to get done tomorrow.

Happy trails, or, , or . Haha.

Work

I don't think I've ever been this excited to go to work. Its weird, thinking of going back to something so familiar after I've been gone for just over a month. But I'm happy to be doing something with my time and I'm happy to be working with some really awesome people again.

Boss Lady's wedding was soo beautiful. And the reception was gorgeous, and a ton of fun. It was a the Wisconsin Club, which is this beautiful building downtown. It was super fancy too, and I joked with the server about the utensil setup.

It was also really nice to get to hang out with people outside of work. It's like, you can know someone so much based on the work they do and how well you interact while doing that work. Then your boss goes and gets hitched and you get to see all those people outside of that work environment and really, it was just a blast. How many people can say they did the chicken dance with their bosses?

Then yesterday I went to the Mabon festival, which as usual was fun. The only problem I had was that for the ceremony space, hay bales were used for decoration, and I'm allergic to them. It was fine in the morning when we were setting up, but as the day wore on it just got worse and worse for my nose. So, I ended up bailing and coming home for a nap before my brothers came over for a little celebration. It was really nice, since I don't get to see them very often.

Speaking of my nose, I have to get to the piercer today to get my stud replaced with a plastic plug. I didn't expect to be back so soon, so I'm wondering if they'll even do the replacement. I suppose I could lie and say I need an MRI done, but I don't want to have to do that.

Well, Zen is going to be here any minute so I suppose I'd better get dressed.

Happy trails.

Life

Lately I've been in a sort of funk. I think its because I'm pretty much spending my time sitting here and doing nothing. I'm certain that I'll feel better soon, now that I have a full weekend and I start work again on Monday.

I can't believe its already time for Boss Lady's wedding! I'm looking forward to it, because I miss seeing everybody and it just seems like a pleasant note to start off on. The Boy didn't want to come with me so I'm dateless, but I don't really care. Anyways, that's going to be my Saturday.

Sunday, I'm going to head up to the Mabon festival at the park. I don't know why, but it seems that fall is really my season to get back into being involved int he community and going to festivals and such. There are a couple workshops that I'm really looking forward to attending, so as long as I can get there I'll be golden.

And finally, I get to start work again on Monday. As much as I complained, I acually miss all the crazy people and the fun people and my co workers and everyone.

The Boy's birthday is coming up too. I can't believe he's going to be 20. That seems really old to me for some reason (don't ask, I don't know). I haven't decided if I'm going to make him a cake, as I have the sneaking suspicion I'm going to be competing for his time on his actual birthday. Well, that may give me enough time to come up with a good idea for a cake. I'll have to look on craftster.

Oh well, nothing big is happening in my life lately so I guess I don't have much to write.

Happy trails.

Home Pt. 2

Well, now that I'm settled its only fair that I update everyone on life in my universe.

First off, I start work again on Monday, which I'm really happy about. Life is pretty sedentary right now, and I've got way too much free time on my hands. Good for cleaning my desk, bad for my mental health.

I also decided I'm buying myself a macbook. So hopefully tomorrow or maybe Thursday I'll go to the apple store. I'm excited because I've heard really good things about them and in my experience they're really easy to use. Which is wonderful considering I'm awful with computers.

I'm taking a semester off of school, which I'm not pleased with, but I suppose there was no other option. To fill up my time and to prevent myself from brain atrophy, I'm self-teaching a few subjects in my free time. I kept my textbooks, so I'm still doing the intro to anthropology, and I figure I could teach myself basic Chinese with my book, my dictionary, and with a podcast. Why not? And I figure now is as good a time as any to learn guitar (finally, I've only had mine for five years).

I'm just really glad to be home. Sure, I miss being in class and some of the stuff I did down in Iowa, but I like being home so much more. I'll like it even more when I'm back in school. And work.

Home

I got another email today telling me that I could have a Perkins loan if I so chose, all I had to do was fill out a promisory note. But I think I already made my choice.

I'm going home.

I don't like it here. I don't like the landscape, the bugs. I don't like how every time I turn a corner I'm getting fucked over for SOMETHING. I don't like how someone peed on my door and thusly into my room one night. I don't like living in a dorm. I don't like being away from home (I was right, it hurts with every beat. Agonizing.) and I don't like the intense lonely feeling I have here.

I could be so much happier at home.

I used to say that I didn't really have a home, that because we moved around so much I could just pick up and go whenever, whereever. That was wrong. I know that now. I know where I belong. I don't feel akward or wrong at home. I feel wrong here.

I think that I came here because A) everyone wanted me to and B) I wanted to get in. I wanted to know that I could get accepted. Thrill of the chase. But it was wrong. The Boy thinks I'm a quitter, but I see it as admitting I made a needless mistake and moving on. Its time for me to move on. I don't belong here.

I'm not sure how everything will unfold in the next week or so. I feel so bad, because I know I'm going to dissapoint a lot of people. I feel bad because people were so proud of me (Though I would like to point out, I WAS in college last year too...) and because so many people were expecting so much.

I can't keep doing what others expect of me. I need to follow my heart. I need happiness. I'm making my self sick from the stress here. I need that to end. I liked my life. I was content, the last couple months. Minor grievances, but content. That's all I can ask of life. I need to stop trying to best and impress my cousins, because that's not who I am. I'm not any less of a person for choosing a different way to live my life.

Cliff Pt. 2

Shortly after posting that last blog about how Central is fucking me over ever chance it gets, I recieved an email informing me that my status has been dropped from sophomore to freshman. I sort of expected that, because 6 of my credits didn't transfer. Fine. But I was accepted as a sophomore, which means I got a sophomore level stafford loan. But, since I'm now a freshman, they took that loan away and sent me a bill for...

$10, 063.00

That's right. Ten freakin' grand. Who the FUCK has ten grand just lying around? Not me, that's who.

So I'm essentially waiting until Tuesday to find out if I can get another loan. If not, guess who's coming back to Wisconsin?

And while The Boy and Best Friend are probably pissed at me about this, I'm sort of holding out for being able to come home. Nothing is working out right here, and honestly, I could have this kind of being fucked around with at MATC for a fraction of the cost in tuition that I'm paying here. The only real draw is the classes. Where else can I learn Chinese? Then again, I'm sure UW-Madison has a pretty cool language program. Yeah, its big and the profs wouldn't know my name. But I've just had such a bad experiance here that I'm wondering if its even worth it.

I just want to come home, go back to work, and be happy. Honestly.

Cliff

I get the feeling the universe wants me to jump off a cliff and die. Seriously.

Nothing ever goes right for me on the first, second, and sometimes sixth tries. No matter what. No amount of preparedness helps.

I get to Central and I have nothing set up for me. A few things STILL arent't working right for me, and it bothers me because that means someone else was slacking. I finally get my credit card in the mail back home, and I have The Boy give me my number and info and such, and the card number does not exist in the bank's database. How the HELL does that even happen? I am pissed off beyond reason right now. I need to get some things done. I need to finish buying my textbooks, yes, on credit, because I'm so poor it makes me want to cry. I have no idea how I'm going to pay this months phone bill.

I'm also extremely sick and tired of my life revolving around "I don't know" and "Maybe". I want definite answers to questions. I want a timetable. I want a schedule. I WANT TO BE PREPARED. I hate going into things a step behind everyone. I just want to cry right now because it seems like according to the world, I might as well not exist.

Ni Hao

I would just like to take this opportunity to tell all of you that Chinese is the most intensely difficult language EVER. Not only do I have to learn words and syllables that don't sound like anything (no cognates), but I have to learn an entirely new system of writing. Chinese characters.

But aside from all that, I'm doing okay. Fairly homesick, but otherwise okay.

My bank account, on the other hand, is feeling a little ill. It seems to be allergic to purchasing textbooks. I was only able to get one of them used, but even so, I'll spend less than $200. I just wish I had a chance to buy them in advance...but no. Oh well. I'm in debt for the rest of my life anyways, just from this one semester.

Well, I better get to dinner.

Class

Today I was FINALLY registered for class. I'm going to learn Chinese, so that should be...amazingly difficult. I also have an 8 am 3D design class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Why I got put in that class is beyond me, I know absolutely nothing about 3D design nor any kind of design I suppose. I just sort of got stuck into whatever happened to be open.

So far, I've made friends with all the international students, which is really neat. I'm getting along with my roommate, which I anticipated, because neither of us seem to be difficult to live with. Also, the group of transfer students is pretty cool.

I was going to write this big long blog about how much I want to go home because being here is a huge hassle, but I'm starting to enjoy it. Except for my work study assignment. Ew, catering. I WANTED to work in the cafe, but Noooooo...

Oh, and the beds suck.

But on another note, I do have a choir audition in about a half hour, which I'm really excited for. I haven't been able to do choir for a while, and I've missed it. I'm considering a minor in music, and I'm taking World Music this semester, which corresponds to my Anthropology major and a music minor. Who knows.

My eating/sleeping schedule is all messed up too. The dining hall is only open certain times, so breakfast is 7-9 am, lunch is 11-1 and dinner is 5-7 (I think. I'm not sure about dinner.) Usually at home I get up at about 11, so that's breakfast for me. Then lunch is somewhere around 4 or 5, and I eat supper at about midnight/1 am. So I'm hungry now, but dinner isn't until 6:30 tonight (group dinner, I guess). Thank heavens I bought snacks.

I also need to find a cheap fridge/microwave, because neither I nor my roomie have one, and I would like to be able to have food in my room, considering its going to be a while before I get used to my new eat/sleep schedule. (I'm betting on missing breakfast every Tuesday and Thursday, screw getting up at 6:30 am. 7 is bad enough.) Oh, not to mention a new laptop, considering mine is broken. I'm using the computer lab down the hall from my room right now, but I would like to have SOMETHING to do in my room. And books. I have to buy books. The way its set up here is you go to the bookstore with your schedule, pick up the books from the shelf, and buy them. I wish I just knew what books, so I can get them online for cheap. Maybe I'll just go through and list them down. Yay for cheating the system.

Oh, and while my tummy grumbles I'd like to observe that instead of gaining weight (freshman 15) my freshman year, I lost 15 lbs. And this semester, I have a feeling I'll be losing more weight on account of never eating anything but nutra-grain bars and yogurt. So there's a plus to never being awake/around when the dining hall is open. I guess.

Run

I leave for Iowa at noon tomorrow. I've just gotten about halfway through my packing. My apartment is a disaster, but most of my things are either stashed in a suitcase or box.

It hasn't hit me until right now, this moment, that I'm leaving.

I'm not excited. I'm sad. I always told myself that I could be a nomad. That because we moved around so much when I was little, I could just pick up and move anywhere. Without a second glance.

I think that was the case until nearly two years ago. As cliche as it sounds, It feels like my heart, my soul, was ripped in two, separated. And it pains me to be away from the other half for too long. It pains me to be such a long distance away from it. From him. I know, I'm sounding like a sappy teenage girl about it, but I can't help myself right now.

I didn't prepare myself for this kind of reaction. When I seriously applied to Central, it was with the notion that going away to school would be the only way to save my sanity. It was the only way I could get away from the city, from this apartment, from the hurt I had to face day after day. By the time things changed, I'd forgotten about the college. I'd let myself be lulled into the idea of staying in my city, staying in my apartment, and staying in my happy place.

I can't argue that Central isn't a much better choice than say, UWM. I can't argue that I won't be getting a much better education there, a much better chance to start over and discover new things. But it won't be with that other half of my heart. And until I come home again, I know it is going to ache with each beat.

I am, however, glad that I'm leaving on such a good note. It would be even worse if things at home were still cracked. If I hadn't gotten the chance to say goodbye to all of my friends. If I hadn't had the chance to see something new rise up from the cracks in the sidewalk of life.

Still, I know I'm going to cry my eyes out tomorrow when I have to say that most painful goodbye. I know I'm coming back, but a month seems like forever, and what about after that? Who knows. (Also, the fact that I'm listening to Snow Patrol's Run isn't helping.)

Tea

A few days ago (probably more close to a couple weeks ago..eep) I was directed to watch a video entitled "Cup of Brown Joy", a musical ensemble following the British love for tea. For reference, here is the video



And then, I stumbled on the American version. Just for giggles, here it is. (Warning, the American version is much more vulgar. Then again...its American.)



Also, its interesting to note the differences in British and American humor. And why on Earth isn't herbal tea good enough for you Brits? The stuff is delicious and mostly medicinal. How can you go wrong?

Fairy Tales

I've been thinking a lot about fairy tales lately. Why are they so appealing? I've always been a big fan of them, perhaps because of my religious outlooks.

But then, I got to thinking.

I think the real reason I like fairy tales so much, is that I want to be in one. I want to be the average, ho-hum girl that wakes up one day only to have fallen in love with the king of the Unseelie court, thrust into a world of fae.

I also wouldn't mind waking up in the arms of some dark vampire lover (cough, Edward Cullen, cough).

I think its because, in leading an incredibly boring life, I want to step into a world of constant action, danger, romance, and the supernatural. But then, who doesn't? Fairy tales aren't only enjoyed by pagan folk. Everyone likes them.

I really want to go on an adventure, just like in my favorite books (the Tithe series, the Twilight series, and yes, even Harry Potter - land).

Sigh.

Conduct

Hello.

This is just a reminder from your friendly neighborhood barista.

If you don't hang up your freaking cell phone so I can take your order, I will stab* you with a straw. A long straw. I will then skin you alive with a latte spoon.

Also, "JUST LOOKING" is not an appropriate response to "Hello". The acceptable response would sound something like "Hi, just looking".

No, I'm not going to give you all the marked out pastries or the leftover coffee. You wanted some? You should have paid for it before we closed.

No, you can't take money out of the tip jar. Its a tip jar. Not a take-a-penny leave-a-penny jar.

Do not ask me about everything on the menu and make me describe every possible drink in great detail, only to say "pass" and walk away. You just wasted 10 minutes of my time, and pissed off about three people behind you.

I'd love to stand here and chat without about whatever you feel the need to talk about, as long as there isn't a line. Don't give me the stink eye because I cut off the conversation because a line 9 people deep has formed. You'd be glad I did so if you were 8th in line, trust me. On a related note, don't give me the stink eye when you're a few people down the line and I'm trying to communicate with an elderly, semi-deaf person. It just takes an extra second to get things across, and the most they ever want is a cup of plain coffee anyways. Seriously, respect your elders.

On another semi-related note, you don't get to talk to me like I'm 5 simply because I'm younger than you. Do not stand at the hand off area and try to tell me what you're waiting on every time I pass off a drink. Yours is coming up, I promise. Things are made in the order they're ordered. You don't have a golden ticket that gets you your drink instantly.

Also, don't get pissed off at me when you order the wrong thing. YOU ordered it. I TRIED to explain that a cappuccino would be hot, foamy, and not sweet at all. But no. And then, sure enough, you wanted something completely different.

Do not take it upon yourself to organize the bottled drinks we have in the cooler. They're in the order that they're in for a reason. Its not a zen garden. Leave it alone.

And for goodness sakes, don't argue with me about company policy. I'd love to help you out. Really. But for one, I'm lowest on the ladder of importance. My say has no sway whatsoever on anything. And for two, even if I did have say, if you're trying to rip us off, I'm not going to help you.

That is all.

Quotes

I just realized I completely neglected to do any quotes as of late. Shame on me.

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything

- Charles Kuralt (1934 - 1997)

I feel this is an important observation in lieu of my impending move to Iowa. When The Boy and I drove down there last November, we didn't see anything. Not even farm animals. Once we got out of Wisconsin, it was just flat plains and a few hills. Bo-ring. And we didn't even take the Interstate all the way across. It was mostly just due to the fact that Iowa is the most boring state in the union. And the whole state smells like a cow's ass. (Unfortunately, I know exactly what that smells like, having visited many dairy farms as a child.)

Also, last night I got this feeling like a giant weight had been lifted off of my chest. Its hard to describe. Its just that feeling you get after you haven't been able to write a thing for a month, and suddenly your mind is full of conversations and plot and character. Not only that, I have this really intense inspiration to paint. Odd, since I'm not really much of a painter, but hey, I'm gonna go with it. Why not?

Seconds

Have you ever had a moment, that feels like forever? A moment where everything snaps into place and you see with stunning clarity? Where you see color as if you've stepped out of a black and white world?

I just had one of those moments.

It was amazing.

(So of course I had to come blog about it.)

Now all I need is a canvas and some paint.

Market

Okay, Tony (crap, I have to figure out a code name for Tony now...) sort of yelled at me for not updating my blog very often. So...

Market: Saturday The Boy and I went to the farmer's market here in Stallis. We got some out-of-this-world corn. Now, I'm not really the type to get hyped up about vegetables, but this corn was that good. It was picked fresh that morning, and when we boiled it up, it tasted good without butter or salt. We decided that this week we're getting a dozen ears, instead of just three. We also got some really really good apple cider, which The Boy used to make himself a surprisingly tolerable hard apple cider. We also got this really good onion herb bread that had onion, basil, and dill in it. We're getting another loaf. Mmm.

Madison: Since I'm moving so very far away, I thought it was a good time to pay a visit to Rats in Madison (Sorry, but you do have three rats. Its not a mean code name, I do like the rats, honest.) I had an excellent time. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Madison is really my kind of town. Of course, that means The Boy would hate it. He doesn't like college students. Or anyone he could deem "hippie". Or anything, really. Ha.

We saw The Dark Knight (which was AMAZING, and I don't even like batman), and wandered around Hilldale mall. I got swedish fish. Then we wandered up and down State St. I love that kind of atmosphere, people just strolling around, some guy playing a guitar, coffee everywhere.

It felt really good to go out of town like that for a night, just to relax and get away from here. Not that I don't like Stallis. It isn't bad. But I prefer somewhere where you don't constantly run into people from high school that you don't particularly care for.

Well, that's my exciting weekend. All I have ahead of me this week is work, so I'm not sure I'll update very frequently. Sorry Tony. Ha.

Exhale

I feel sooo much better now that I've just let things go. Really. Its nice, you should try it.

However, there is a tiny thing that I'd like to rant about.

WHY GOD, WHY, DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO FREAKING HUMID OUTSIDE?
Seriously. This is not necessary.

Ugh.

But in the category of good news, I got accepted (for some odd reason, I think the admissions board does hard drugs. Ha) to Central for the fall. So...I'm off to Iowa. This is super unexpected. I really just reapplied as a sort of...laugh? I don't know. I mean, I did all the stuff but I really didn't expect to get in. And I did. Thus further evidence that the admissions committee does drugs.

And because I'm moving to Iowa for most of the year for the next 3-4 years, there's a bit of bad news. I'm losing my job. As sad as I am to go, and as scary as it sounds to not be working all the time, I'm actually sort of excited. This is going to be the first time, in a long time, that I get to focus completely on being a student. I get to have my nose pierced and not have to worry about dress codes. I get to wear one outfit for the WHOLE DAY. I don't know what I'm going to do over the summer though. Well, I suppose we're gonna cross that bridge when we come to it.

In closing, my life is great, I'm leaving town in a month, and I'm gonna go for a walk.

Peace.

Its been a while since I've posted. Mostly because I haven't had the time. I've been working a shit ton of hours lately, and then I've either been tired, or more recently, out.

I'm liking the whole going out most nights thing. I'm having a good time with everything for once, and I wish people would be excited about that, instead of being harsh. Seriously, when do I ever get to go out and have fun? Hardly ever. This is a treat. Let me enjoy it.

Thing in my life are good. The Boy and I are good. Work is good. My social life is good. It's all good. And in this goodness, and partially to cause this goodness, I've decided to just let it all go.

Holding grudges and harboring negative emotions is unhealthy. So I'm trying my damndest to let go of everything bad that's happened to me in the past. After all, you can't change it, so why dwell on it, aside to learn from it? So I'm learning from my mistakes and picking myself up. Probably to make more mistakes that I can learn from, but hey, that's life.

I don't remember where I was going with that, really.

Oh, I did learn some new games though. That's always nice. Ha.

Alright, I traded shifts with Blake tomorrow at 9:30 am so I have to get to bed. Nighty night.

And remember: Its all good.

Change

Last night I had a really good discussion with an old friend of mine about changing the world. He says that one person cannot change the world, no matter what they do or how hard they try. I disagree. But the thing is, you can't start with the world. You have to first change yourself. Today's quote isn't from my funny quote book.

'Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi

there's a quote I ran across once that I can't seem to find, which upsets me, but the gist was this:

A man tried to change the world. He failed, and tried to change his country. Failing that, he tried to change his city. Failing even that, he tried to change his family. And failing that, he realized that he first needed to change himself. From there he could have changed his family, the city, the country, and the world. (If anybody knows the original quote and its author, PLEASE let me know so I can give proper credit).

If you don't like something, fix it in yourself before you try to fix everyone else. If you're concerned about the environment, first begin to do as much as you can to conserve before you preach to everyone else about it. Live your ideals. Because then you can be an example. Then you can say "hey, I did it, and so can you."

We can change the world.

I am going to change the world.

Just you watch.

(I was going to end this with my usual "ta" but Best Friend told me that's annoying because I don't actually say "ta". I'm now stumped as how end my blogs. Thanks Best Friend.)

Mirror

I've had something on my mind for a while now.

I'm getting so sick of people thinking that America is the greatest country on Earth.

Because God knows our government isn't corrupt, doesn't violate its people's rights, and does everything in its power to keep the people happy and healthy. Oh wait.

First off, for anybody that's going to counter any of this with "Oh but we're a democracy, the best one on Earth, and we have to spread democracy!", I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag. America is not a democracy. Yep. We're a federal republic. The men who wrote the constitution didn't think the general populace would be smart enough to elect its own leaders, so instead of an actual democracy, we have a federal republic.

Second, America is completely run by money. Everyone can be bought off, and apparently, all of our so called leaders have been. Special interest groups, lobbyists. Any leader could commit an atrocity and have it all erased with the proper funding and bribes. If that's not corruption, I don't know what is.

For the third point, I just have two words: Patriot Act. Seriously. As Benjamin Franklin said, "People willing to trade their freedom for temporary security deserve neither and will lose both."

I'm just so sick of people telling me how great America is, when we lack some pretty fundamental things (that a first-world nation should have), like universal health care. Most Americans are one major medical emergency away from the poverty line. Why? Did that person ask to get cancer? It isn't right that our country sucks the life out of the ill. That's just kicking a man while he's down. People die needlessly in this country, all because some large corporations want to save a few billion dollars, so they can pay off the President to speak in their favor.

I understand some of the liberties that I, as an American have. Such as the freedom to religion, which I'm constantly grateful for. I'm glad that women aren't (openly) discriminated against. I'm glad that I can vote, for whatever that's worth. But the thing that gets me, is that I could have all of these same freedoms and rights in most of the developed world. Canada, England, France, Sweden. All those freedoms, plus health care.

I'm sick of the "just look out for yourself" mentality. I'm sick of people being petty. Let's all just look out for one another.

I'm aware that I'm just blathering on at this point, and I should probably get some sleep sometime soon. I just had to get some of that off my chest. Its been upsetting me. There's more, but that's for another rant.

Ta.

Portable

One thing that really irks me about using The Boy's computer is that it's a big bulky laptop. I can't blog from my comfy bed anymore. Or my comfy couch. I need to start saving up for a new computer/computer repair stat. Just like I need to save up for a car. I wish that a really rich uncle that I don't know I have but loves me dies tomorrow so that I can inherit his fortune and have money. That's bad. I don't want anyone to die. But you get the idea.

I've been working a ton of hours at Starbucks, but its still not QUITE enough, considering a laptop and a car aren't everyday expenses. I'm either going to have to get another job, or just keep saving and stop buying food at the food court and clothes just for fun.

Oh, and I also decided that instead of going in order in my quote book, I'm gonna jump around randomly, since they're all grouped similarly. It would be boring having nothing but quotes about love for two weeks.

QOTD:

I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.

-Alec Yuill Thornton

My response: I agree. I hate sweaty smelly people. I don't get why girls like to watch men exercise. To me, its just watching some guy get all sweaty and smelly and disgusting. Blech.

Quoted

So, I was browsing around Waldenbooks tonight when I came across The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Every Said. I got this crazy idea to do a Quote of the Day here, for the next 2,548 days. I figure hell, it'll at least get me into blogging every day again. I'm also going to add my response to these quotes. So here goes

1. Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. - P.G. Woodehouse (1881 - 1975)

My response? This is what a chrysanthemum looks like:


I'm certain I've seen people with hair just like that. Which is not a good thing. Haircuts, people. Thanks. Ha.

So, that was fun, right? Stay tuned, because tomorrow I'll have another one. In fact, stay tuned for the next 2,547 days. That's what? 7 years? I doubt I'll get through all of them. And maybe I'll skip some un-funny ones or the ones I don't quite like/understand/have a response to.

Zen

For the first time in a long time, I'm perfectly content with my life. Not only that, but I'm becoming very hopeful. I'm glad. It's about time, I say.

I haven't really blogged very often lately because sad to say, I think my laptop is actually dead. I'm going to see if I can get at least the stuff off the hard drive and put it all onto an external for now, but I think that's all I can do. I don't have any money either, so buying a new one is sort of out of the question. At least until school starts. I'm going to need one then. I'm also wishing that I had the foresight to put some of the programs that I had on my computer onto a disc. Like Microsoft Office. That took forever to...get.

I am wanting a Mac though. The Boy says its stupid, because Macs are so difficult to repair and such. But really. They're user-friendly, come with great software, and all of the Macbooks come with built-in iSight cameras. And iTunes. I wouldn't have to download iTunes. And yes, I like they way they look. I like white things, because its very clean and classic. But noooo. He's having a hissy fit that I'm willing to plop down a grand on a laptop and I'm not even considering a PC.

I was going to figure out a way to work Fish Lips into this entry, just because I was talking to a couple girls at work about him and his code name. And why he has said code name. But I couldn't figure out a creative way to do it. Oh well.

I have to write a personal statement to Central now. That should be fun.

Centipede

Okay. So today I'm standing around in my apartment after work, I can't remember what I was doing. And I happen to turn around and look into the dinette. And there it was. BAM. A centipede. A really freaking GIGANTIC centipede. I had a small heart attack. But it didn't run. So I grabbed one of Eric's flip flops and smashed it against the wall as hard as I could. There is now a very gross dead centipede on the bottom of Eric's right flip flop. I didn't even scream. Be proud of me guys, cuz that's a MAJOR accomplishment for me.

In other news, The Boy and I got back together. It wasn't a very eventful or super memorable moment, but we did. I'm happy.

Also, I like how I've used both his name and codename in this blog.Haha. I'm consistent.

As soon as I'm done being flat broke I'm also gonna go visit Vici and get my hair dyed. I'm going to go with Espresso. Its really close to my natural hair color, so I'm hoping it'll work.

Aaaand, I'm hoping that The Boy will let me use his camcorder, because I'd like to start doing some video blogs, and my webcam isn't that amazing. Well, it is, but it does this really odd dark thing and then the video doesn't capture as fast as I'd like it to. Also, it picks up volume really weird. Not to mention my lack of laptop. Gah.

Well I'm pretty sure that's all for now. Ta!

Broken

So, its been a super long time since I've updated last. I came home on my birthday to my laptop sitting in a puddle of rain, because I didn't have the foresight to shut the window before Eric and I left. So...it hasn't been working since then. I got it to turn on once, but then the screen died. I got it to turn on one more time, but the screen still wasn't working. So I'm just praying that it'll spontaneously start working sometime soon. Because I'm pretty much broke and I can't afford to have it repaired. Or buy a new one.

I've been having this trouble sleeping lately. I can't seem to fall asleep ever, and when I do, I can't seem to manage staying asleep. I'm more or less certain that its because of the extreme stress I've been under lately, combined with the extreme amount of caffeine I consume on a daily basis. Curse you, Starbucks, with your energy packets!

For now I'm stuck using The Boy's computer. Oh, and he's recently decided he takes offense to being called "The Boy". Oh well, I know he doesn't read this, so I think I'm safe. Besides, I'm trying not to use names. The internet is a big scary place, don'cha know?

The only thing unfortunate about codenames, however, is some people know their names. Like I can't call a certain someone "quad grande mocha" because EVERYONE knows who that is. Hmm...I'm going to have to think of a more clever, albeit sarcastic codename.

Oh, and I did figure out a pen name for myself. Megan Lockk. What does everyone think? I was also thinking Locke, after John Locke, the philosopher. But The Boy says its pretentious to put a silent E at the end of it. And Lockk is a little more original, I think.

Okay, I'm going to go get back to my book (The Devil Wears Prada). I'll probably have the whole thing finished before I go to bed, which is impressive because I just started it tonight.

Ta.

Blackberry

Okay. So, the other day I've encountered this problem with my prized Blackberry Pearl. About every 10 minutes, it auto-erases my call log and text messages. For no apparent reason, because my memory doesn't ever drop to 0. So I completely miss messages and then the people who are trying to text me call me and I miss the call and never know who was trying to call me. That, my friends, is annoying as fuck.

Not only that, but as far as I know, I'm SUPPOSED to be able to plug my BB into my computer via USB port and be able to take pictures off of it and stuff. But I can't. No matter what I try.

I can't do anything else with it either. I can't download ringtones or anything. Sure, I could go to the T-zones thing but there isn't anything good on it.

I'm gonna have to go to the mall early tomorrow just to go to the T Mobile store to troubleshoot this. Because I'm sorry, I didn't pay over $100 to have a phone that doesn't do what its supposed to. I could have gotten the same phone as The Boy for WAY less and been able to do way more with it. This is shit.

Surname

I think if my dream of becoming a published writer is ever going to come true, I need to come up with a pen name. I mean after all, who's going to talk about a book by an author who's name nobody can pronounce.

Nobody, with rare exception, can pronounce my last name. I suppose, I could just drop half of it and go by the second half of my godforsaken 14 letter long last name(s). But "Brings" is so boring.

Maybe I'll give myself a really pretentious last name, like Windsor. Or something soft an unassuming, like Henderson. Lord, anything that isn't Slavic. Or excessively German. Or boring Irish.

I need something original, something that will stand out. Not over the top, yet strong.

While I'm at it, I might as well invent myself a new first name. After all "Megan" is just so plain. Everybody is named Megan these days. Well, not really, but it is a very popular name.

I wouldn't like to be called something plain, like, well, Jane. Or something popular, like Megan or Sarah. I like the name Siobhan, but its pronounced "sahvonne" and I don't like that. Perhaps something from another culture, or language? But that seems too assuming. It has to be modern, but not too trendy (after all, we're trying to avoid the whole common name thing here). Something that screams "artist".

I like Victoria. But that seems too..."hey, I'm named after a queen". Not to mention, people would want to call me "Vicky" and I hate that. I could be Genvieve, but that's too French. I like Penelope, but even that sounds too girly.

This is very difficult.

Letter

Dear ****,

I am not now, nor will I ever be okay with your friendship with *******. I understand you've been friends since kindergarten. I understand you've been there for each other through everything. I have a friend like that. Gender has nothing to do with it.

Fact of the matter is, you made out with her. I don't care that she kissed you. You didn't stop. You didn't say no. And your only excuse was that you were drinking. The thing about drinking is yes, it lowers inhibitions, and makes you do the things you wouldn't normally do. But the thing is, you only do those things when you want to do them sober, but have the self-restraint not to. I would never have cheated on you when drunk, because I have absolutely no desire to when I'm sober, thus no desire when drunk. The fact that you did that when drunk only leads me to believe you'd been wanting to while sober.

So you two worked out that you love each other in a sibling-familial way. That's great. I'm glad you have a friend that you can be close to. But still, I'm not okay with it. She makes you laugh. You worry about her. You hold her when she's wobbly. She gets to see you when you're having a good time, and you shut me out of that part of your life entirely. I'm jealous, plain and simple.

I'll never tell you not to see her. I'll never tell you to stop talking to her. I'll also never stop hating her. I'll never stop blaming her for what she did to you, to us. I know its unhealthy, but I feel that I can't help it.

So even though I'm willing to work on our relationship rather than leaving you for good, I'm always going to want to strangle her. I'm always going to want to hit you when I see pictures of you two together, doing things with you, when I'm blatantly not invited, told that I would never be allowed to come along.

Don't expect me to ever extend a hand of friendship to her. If I see her, I'll never even so much as look at her nicely. Know that while I may have my arms crossed, all I want to do is reach over and slap the shit out of her. I'm by no means a violent person, but the emotion that I feel in this circumstance makes me feel as if my body would move on its own volition. I can never be nice to her. I'll never have anything nice to say about her. Sentences including her will always be punctuated with "whore" and "slut". And I'm not sorry.

Expecting me to let it go is stupid. And while I'm willing to be stupid and forgive you, I'll never forget.

Yours,
*****

Coutoure

After seeing the Sex and the City movie, I feel the incredible need to be couture.

Funny thing is, that goes against just about everything I stand for. I mean, $505 for a Louis Vuitton Pen? C'mon ladies, there's more to life than that.

And still, I want to say that the pen I'm taking notes with is by Louis Vuitton and cost me $505.

If I were rich, you better believe I'd wear nothing but designer anything. Thing is, I don't know why. Usually I'm not concerned with who designed my pants or my dress or what label is on the inside of my shirt. I guess for once I want to be able to say "Oh, you like my dress? Prada."

I never had anything name brand growing up, maybe that's what it is.

Or maybe I'm really just a shallow bitch.

Ha.

Pretty

Last night I saw one of the most beautiful things on this earth: the almost-full moon over Lake Michigan at night.

I don't know what it is about the lake, but whenever I see it I automatically think "home". Strange, but oh well.

Tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day. I can tell.

Clean

Today seems like the perfect day to get some spring cleaning done. So I opened all the blinds and dug right in.

I've got the bathroom all clean (almost, I need a good tile cleaner for the shower), and I'm doing some laundry as well. Which, if you know me, is a feat in and of itself.

I'm going out later tonight, so I want to get as much done now as I can. and Sarah's coming over to be my best friend and do her best friend-ly duties. I love her.

Finals

MATC is really weird with finals. I had two this week, and two next week. No, scratch that. I didn't have a final at all for my death and dying course. Actually, I don't even think I passed that course so I guess it doesn't matter. Last I checked, I had a U. Which I'm hoping won't pull down my GPA.

I took my creative writing final, which went smoothly until I got to the poetry part, which I hadn't even studied at all. In fact, I think I was half awake during that particular lecture. Ha.

I have my History of the Vietnam War Years final on Monday night. I should really be doing the essay portion (since it is worth 80% of my grade), but I find myself blogging instead. I'll do some of it on my lunch tomorrow or something. Or Sunday. Or I'll do what I did for the midterm and procrastinate til Monday morning and spend the day freaking out.

My Sociology final is on Thursday, I'm not worried about that one at all though. I mean, for god's sake, I sleep, play tic tac toe, and read the paper in that class, and I have an A. Seriously.

I don't know what's going on relationship-wise around here. It's all gotten so complicated I'm just shrugging my shoulders and doing whatever I feel like.

Oh, and I'm baking a cake. Well, two small cakes, to layer. Sorry Sarah, I know your birthday was a week ago, but in my defense, I had no eggs! I do have green sprinkles though.

And my apartment smells like delicious cake. Yum.

Poetry

Ode To Starbucks

Great Mecca of caffeine addicts

Your green shining beacon permeates through sleepy eyelids

The scent of your decadent sustenance uplifts weary souls

You accept the tired, the perky, and the terminally trendy into your walls

None are turned away from the gloriously sugary beverages you produce

The melody of grinding beans and whirring blenders is music to my ears

For you, you are my haven

A respite from the rest of the non-coffee related world

A wondrous cavern filled to the brim with earth tones and comfortable seating,

Free Wi-fi and reasonably priced lattes, delicious pastries and cold frappuccinos

We flock to you, O great giver of delight

We bend to your will, and gracefully stop ordering discontinued syrups

Have mercy on us, for we seek only to feel caffeinated and trendy

Allow us to continue to congregate in your café,

For we would surely perish without thee.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you realize that everyone around you is sort of a douchebag. And then you get angry. But then you don't care because those people aren't worth associating with in the first place.

And then you throw a can of Dinty Moore at that person's face and laugh.

:)

Summer

Since exams are looming ahead and summer is on its way, I'm figuring I've got to have stuff to do. So, without further ado, here's what I want to do this summer.

• Do something really awesome for my birthday (that's still in progress)
• Get my first tattoo
• Summerfest
• Ethnic festivals (Indian Summer, Arabic World Fest, Festa Italiana, German Fest, Irish Fest)
• Go on a road trip (I'm thinking San Francisco.)
• Go to Canada
• Get really drunk with Sarah
• Go to the zoo
• Go to the museum
• Go to the art museum
• Go to Madison and hang out with Bochte

These are just a few things I can think of off the top of my head. I'm hoping to be able to drive by the end of June, because not being able to drive kind of sucks. Even though I live in a city, the public transportation in this particular city sucks butt.

Oh, funny story though. Last night I was standing in my living room. Then I woke up on the floor. I have no idea what happened, the only logical conclusion I can draw is that I passed out. But then I couldn't get up, because I was so weak and woozy. So I had to text Eric and he came home and helped me into bed. But then a few hours later I got back up to be sick. Fun times, fun times. Not. I still don't feel so great, which sucks because I want to get this place nice and cleaned up. Its starting to bother me.

Oh well, I'm gonna crawl back into bed for a little while, and maybe read. Toodles.

Energized

The thing about redbull is, it tastes like ass. But it works. I'm highly caffeinated right now. First, a Full Throttle, now, redbull. The thing with energy drinks, is once you've had one, you HAVE to have another, or you just crash. And I've got far too much to do to crash. I have to write poetry. Yes, poetry.

Let me just take this opportunity to say, I hate poetry. I sort of think poetry is stupid. Well, I can't say that. I enjoy reading poetry created by intelligent wordsmiths that know what they're doing. What's stupid, is when sad, pathetic teenagers write "depressing" poetry. And they're not even really writing poetry. They're just writing sentences without punctuation and no real grammatical structure. I understand free verse, I've written a few poems in free verse, but come on. At least let it be metered. Or something. Gah.

I'm so excited that Sarah is coming home in TWO DAYS. Seriously people. I'm stoked.

Hm...what else. I bought some new pants at the thrift store yesterday, and I went to hem them with my awesome jeans-hemming tutorial, but I made them too short. So I have to take out the seam I made and redo it to make the leg about an inch longer. I suck at measurement. At least I only did one leg. I hate being short. I wish I was normal height, so I could just buy pants. Seriously. I've said seriously a lot in this blog entry. Sorry. I blame the caffeine.

I also bought a lava lamp, but I can't figure out how Eric has everything plugged in. He has this thing where he HATES seeing cords, so everything is neatly hidden. And tucked away. And I can't find the origin of anything. I also don't want to disturb it. It's all neat and nice. Oh wait, I figured it out. Lava lamp ON!

Normalcy

Well, my hair is back to (mostly) normal. It's sort of auburn now, which I like. Nothing really of note has happened in my life lately. Pretty much just class and work.

Sarah gets home in less than a week. I'm very very glad that I'm getting my best friend back. Oh, and I might be getting a second job at Outpost. I'm excited about that too, because it seems like the kind of place where I'd fit right in. Unlike Starbucks. I thought it would be super cool and laid back to work for a coffee place, but not this one. Rules, rules, rules. You would think we'd be allowed more freedom of expression, but no. Whatever.

I'm just kind of tired. I do have tomorrow off though. The plan is to go to Goodwill and get new pants, because I'm not as, erm, big as I used to be. Then maybe, I don't know. Maybe I'll go out.

Mishap

For a second I thought this was the second blog post of today, but then I glanced at the clock and realized its past midnight so its technically Thursday. Whew. Not that I was concerned.

Today I had a hair dye mishap. I wanted to go red. Instead of waiting and going to see Jewels like I should have, I, like a fool, decided to buy a few boxes of dye and do it at home. My cousin helped me with the back, and all was well. Until I rinsed it. Turns out, the dye only dyed my roots, and not the rest of my hair. I probably should have used more. So I called my mom all freaking out and she came over with Herbal Essences shampoo (which is supposed to work wonders taking dye out). It didn't work. I have copper roots and brown hair. I look stupid. So I suppose I'm going to wear a hat or something tomorrow. I'm disappointed. I was hoping to have red hair. But I suppose, maybe it just wasn't in the cards. So I'm going to buy a box of brown dye and change it back before anybody has a chance to notice.

And next time, I'm going to wait and have it done by someone who knows what they're doing.

Ulcer

Last night, I was so angry when I went to bed that I didn't sleep. Not really, anyways. So at about 4 am, when Eric got home, I was wide awake and literally shaking.

I decided to tell him what was on my mind. I told him that in no way would I be allowing myself to start this whole cycle again, and in no way would I allow him to treat me like shit again. I told him that in order to rebuild this relationship, he's going to have to make some sacrifices.

He agreed. He told me that when he's ready, he's going to ask me out on a date, and from there we can try to work on stuff.

Part of me is getting over it. Part of me is just like "well, fuck you too, I don't care either". And the other part of me is giving me an ulcer. I just wish I could tell with some certainty what the future held.

Oh, by the way, my apartment still smells like old people. In case you were interested. Haha.

Progress

There are five stages to grief. One of them is Anger. I'm in that stage.

It has come to my attention that I do not deserve this. Everything that has happened has been on Eric's terms. We moved in together when he said it was okay. Then he dumped me. Then he decides we're on a break. And he gets to decide when/if we get back together.

Nevermind the fact that I do everything to hold our relationship together. I cook, I clean, I plan things for us to do. And he doesn't even feel the need to pay attention to me. And if I'm upset, somehow it gets turned around to his problems and his needs.

Is it so much to ask that he come home once in a while? Apparently. Apparently, hanging out with his loser friends is MUCH more important than any relationship we have. (And no, I'm not being mean there, his friends are all losers. Trust me on that. None of them do anything with their lives.)

I don't know where I'm going with this rant. All I know is, I'm not going to wait around for him to decide he's ready to be a man and face the fact that having a girlfriend is more than just having a pretty girl waiting at home, when and if he decides to come home. I'll wait for now, but if something much better comes my way...I don't think I'm going to see all this hurt as worth the effort. He needs to show me that he's really sincere.

Cracked

It has come to my attention that Eric and I are indeed, not broken up. We are simply on a break. I did not know this, until last night.

I want to know how I could possibly not know something like that.

Anyways, I suppose that information is very reassuring. I mean, it is. He told me that he'd come back, and that he wasn't looking for anyone else. I informed him that I would not be waiting around forever.

I think I'm adjusting quite well, actually. I haven't had any more panic attacks, and I did eat something yesterday.

I think I'm going to take this break as an opportunity to do things by myself, and with friends, where I used to rely on Eric. I'm thinking of going for Japanese food. I've never tried sushi, and I'd like to. Also, I would like to take some sort of dance lesson in the future. Perhaps bellydance, or maybe salsa or swing dance. The only thing about the last two is I think you need a partner. Maybe Sarah would want to learn to do dances with me. We would make awesome lesbians, let me tell you. Haha.

In other news, I still haven't written that 1 act play I needed to have done by last Tuesday, for creative writing. I'm doing really poorly this semester, and I'm worried. I think as long as I do well on all my exams, I should be fine in Sociology. I'm pretty sure I've mathematically failed Death & Dying. Creative writing could go in a few directions, mostly hinging on whether or not I finish (and start) this damned play. And, I'm fairly certain I've got a C average in my History of Vietnam class. I decided not to do the research paper, because I don't think it would help my grade at all. I suppose a C average isn't too bad. Not good, but its not like I'm failing.

I'm thinking of taking some classes online this summer, to keep me in the swing of things. I'm changing my program at MATC to business management. I'm figuring, if all else fails and I don't get into Central for whatever reason, I can at least persue something I really want to do.

As irrational as this sounds, I really do not want to get a degree in something semi-pointless and end up teaching for a few decades before I decide to go back to school and open my own business. I'm thinking, why don't I just do it now, while I'm young, and eliminate the middle man, so to speak. I've thought long and hard about what I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, and the only thing that comes to mind is coffee. I really love what I do at Starbucks, and I really would like to have my own cafe. And while it might sound stupid and irrational to some people to go ahead and do that while I'm young, I see it differently. Life is about taking risks and chances and seeing where things end up. I want to take this chance, this risk.

We'll see how everything turns out. I'm excited for summer, and warm weather, and seeing Sarah because I miss her like crazy (what is it now, like a week until you come home?). And for anyone wondering, I'm really doing okay.