Home

I got another email today telling me that I could have a Perkins loan if I so chose, all I had to do was fill out a promisory note. But I think I already made my choice.

I'm going home.

I don't like it here. I don't like the landscape, the bugs. I don't like how every time I turn a corner I'm getting fucked over for SOMETHING. I don't like how someone peed on my door and thusly into my room one night. I don't like living in a dorm. I don't like being away from home (I was right, it hurts with every beat. Agonizing.) and I don't like the intense lonely feeling I have here.

I could be so much happier at home.

I used to say that I didn't really have a home, that because we moved around so much I could just pick up and go whenever, whereever. That was wrong. I know that now. I know where I belong. I don't feel akward or wrong at home. I feel wrong here.

I think that I came here because A) everyone wanted me to and B) I wanted to get in. I wanted to know that I could get accepted. Thrill of the chase. But it was wrong. The Boy thinks I'm a quitter, but I see it as admitting I made a needless mistake and moving on. Its time for me to move on. I don't belong here.

I'm not sure how everything will unfold in the next week or so. I feel so bad, because I know I'm going to dissapoint a lot of people. I feel bad because people were so proud of me (Though I would like to point out, I WAS in college last year too...) and because so many people were expecting so much.

I can't keep doing what others expect of me. I need to follow my heart. I need happiness. I'm making my self sick from the stress here. I need that to end. I liked my life. I was content, the last couple months. Minor grievances, but content. That's all I can ask of life. I need to stop trying to best and impress my cousins, because that's not who I am. I'm not any less of a person for choosing a different way to live my life.