Lost

I think lately I've been so absorbed in the idea of what I want to be, I've lost a sense of who I am at this moment.

I want to be the smart, intellectual girl that's well versed in the art of conversation. I love the feeling that I'm one of the "smart people". So I molded myself to become one of "them". I started changing my attitudes on life, just to fit a stereotype. I don't think I'm entirely comfortable with this. I mean, I do want to be something bigger than I am right now, but at the same time I don't want to lose a sense of where I come from.

I think I stopped inviting people over to my house in 10th grade, because I realized that all my friends were better off than my family was. They all lived in houses their parents owned, and these houses were kept very clean. My house is dark, dingy, smells like cigarettes, and isn't very tidy. No matter how much I picked up after my family, the yellow film of smoke remained on the walls, and the smell still hung in the air. I have friends that medically cannot stay in my house for more than 15 minutes without having an athsma attack. (which brings up a whole new rant about how my parents smoke and are practically killing my brother - and I have adult onset athsma caused by second hand smoke. I'm thrilled with them.).

I never, never, never wanted my parents to be anywhere near me at school functions. I know, its typical for a kid to be embarassed by her parents. But this feeling is magnified when your stepdad has two teeth, and hasn't showered in a while, and makes all these stupid comments in strange voices because he thinks he's being "clever". Or when your mother is wearing old ratty sweatpants that stop at her ankles, a tshirt about three sizes too big, and she hasn't brushed her hair in what appears to be a week. I very nearly told my mother not to attend my high school graduation.

It's not that I don't love them, its the stares I get. Especially from all of the well-to-do kids and their PTA involved mothers that are dignified and wearing makeup with nice hair and clothes that come from this decade. I always secretly wanted one of them to adopt me.

I'm not sure what I'm striving to anymore. I have this feeling of discontent that I can't seem to shake. I feel like I've gotten lost in the department store of life, and there's no smiling clerk to page my mother. Not that I'd be caught dead in public with my mother unless she goes through a five point inspection.