Sobbing mess

Today I found out my cousin got into UWM. As I read her bulletin, I recall my own college admissions experience. It was the second night of the auditions for Our Town, and I had been talking with Harrison about how I hadn't heard anything from UWM yet, regarding my admission. Lo and behold, that very night, as I get into the car to go home...she hands me an envelope. The small envelope.

"Unfortunately we cannot offer you admission to the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee at this time"

And just like that, I'm a bawling, sobbing mess.

the seldom admitted truth: UWM was the only school I applied for. It was the only school I really expected to go to. (And I know I'm at fault here - another little admitted fact: I graduated with a 1.9 GPA.) So there I sat in the car in the parking lot of Pick n Save while my mom went in to get cigarettes (and a bag of candy for me, to try to make me feel better), sobbing my eyes out. By the time I got home, I was alright. That night, I filled out an application to MATC, and informed Central College that I was dropping my application. (My reasoning behind that was if I couldn't manage to get accepted to the easiest university in WI to get into, why would I expect to gain entrance to a private college in Iowa?)

And then I had to congratulate everyone else on their acceptance to college. I saw all of my friends go off and live the life I so desperately wanted to be a part of. The logical solution: transfer.

Now I'm feeling like its too late - I can't get back that first experience ever again. I'm one step behind everyone I know. At MATC, I think maybe ONE of my classmates is my age. The rest are mid-twenties and above. This means nearly zero oppertunity for new friends. I mean yeah, some guys in my English class are nice...but they're all older...and we have nothing in common. And they've made it quite clear I'm not part of their group.

Tonight I read a bulliten on myspace: "I got into UWM!"

And within thirty seconds I'm a mess of tears and snot. I didn't think it would still hurt. So far, I'm the only grandchild that didn't get into a four year university. And to be honest, I'm thinking of dropping out after this semester. How can I continue to go to the place I go now? Every time I walk into the building, I want to die. How can I expect to have a good experience if I transfer? I'll be a full year behind all my peers in terms of adjustment.


Thank god I didn't reach for the Xacto knife tonight. I thought about it. Long and hard. But I didn't. I suppose that says something for my willpower... but mostly I was just afraid of Eric's reaction to seeing marks on my body. That's sad...I didn't even care that I might fall back into the old habit...only that my boyfriend might be angry with me.