On secrets

Everybody's got secrets, right? I don't believe it when my boyfriend says he's told me everything. Because everybody has at least one thing they don't tell ANYBODY.

I have a lot more secrets than that.

And lately I feel like they're all grabbing at me, trying to swallow me whole. But I don't know how to deal with them. I just keep shoving them back into the closet, like misbehaving skeletons.

Sure, I'm learning to deal with some things that happened in the past. They're still tender subjects, I've only ever shared them with one person. I'm afraid that if I tell people what happened to me back then, nobody would believe me. I turned out alright, right? But I'm realizing more and more that what happened then had a HUGE impact on how I behave now.

I didn't know it was wrong back then. I didn't realize the full extent of what happened untill I was in high school. I know that it was out of my control. Because, back then, I didn't know any better. I thought that was SUPPOSED to happen. And I'm still coming to terms with it.

For the first time ever, I'm at a time in life where I'm 100% uncertain as to where I'll be in a year from now. It used to be easy. I'd be in the next grade up. But now...I have no idea. I don't even know where I'm going to be living a year from now. I don't know how I'm going to afford school, I don't know if I'll be able to afford the next school I go to....

I don't want to stay at MATC. If I could, I'd drop out right now. I hate it so much. It makes me feel like an idiot for being there, because I always thought I was a notch above that. Its getting more and more difficult to admit to myself that I'm not above any of them. I'm one of them. And I hate myself for it, on a day to day basis. I wish that somehow I could go back and fix my mistakes. Because I feel like I'm inching back to that old precipice I used to dangle myself over. I'm afraid I'm going to fall this time.