Thought-provoking

In my psychology lecture today we learned about forgiveness. It turns out, that if you hold grudges, your stress levels are higher, and you have a greater chance of becoming ill. Hm. I definately hold grudges. One in particular. Anyways, back to psych. My professor was telling us about two men who had been imprisoned by the VC during the Vietnam War. They were asked if they still held resentment against the VC. One man replied "Hell yes I do, those sons of bitches. I think about them every fucking day." The other said "That's too bad, because then they've still got you in prison."

I didn't take much stock in this at the time. Then I got home today and decided to look up someone I went to high school with on facebook. This person made my senior year a living hell, and you can't begin to fathom how much I hate her. So I looked up her account and sat seething for a moment, then searched her page in hopes something terrible had happened to her (of course it didn't. I saw her at pick n save a couple days ago. Anyways, she's a chronic lier, I wouldn't believe anything tragic happened if she said it did). And I realized, I'm holding onto this stupid high school rivalry.

I think part of my personality that I'm having a lot of struggles with is the part that's afraid to stand up for anything. Yeah, I've got opinions, strong ones at that. But 9 times out of 10 I'm afraid to voice them. I'm not entirely sure why. I suppose I'm a shy person (hell, it freaks me out when I have to order pizza) and that could be attributed to this struggle. It's happened to me many, many times. I'll be confronted and immediately back down. I guess I'm a doormat. I'll even apologize for calling people on things. For instance, I called a friend of mine on being a bitch and talking about me behind my back. Then I apologized for ever getting mad about it, even though I was still seething on the inside. Even with people I don't know, I'm a pushover.

Maybe that's the reason I was teased and bullied and demeaned so horrendously in school. I wonder why it took me 13 years to realize that I let it all happen. I sat back and cried while everyone had their fun. But why? I have no clue.

But anyways, back to the story. I think I realized today that I have to forgive her for every nasty comment she made about me, every dirty look, every rude behavior. I have to let it go. Because even now it stresses me out. I hate when people like that can get the upper hand. So, I've got to take the high road and just let it go. Forgive and forget, right? The problem is, I'm not 100% sure how to do that. Should I just mentally say "whatever" and let that be that? Should I message her and tell her that even though she was knowingly horrible to me, I forgive her and I don't think she's a terrible person? I don't even know what I did to make her hate me so. Well, I do. I was obnoxious. People hated me for that, I suppose. Which is why I'm quiet and reserved now. I rarely, if ever, voice an opinion in class anymore, because I'm afraid all the students will turn against me.

Why does life have to be so damned complicated? Why can't we all just...get along? Sheesh.