Sobbing mess

Today I found out my cousin got into UWM. As I read her bulletin, I recall my own college admissions experience. It was the second night of the auditions for Our Town, and I had been talking with Harrison about how I hadn't heard anything from UWM yet, regarding my admission. Lo and behold, that very night, as I get into the car to go home...she hands me an envelope. The small envelope.

"Unfortunately we cannot offer you admission to the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee at this time"

And just like that, I'm a bawling, sobbing mess.

the seldom admitted truth: UWM was the only school I applied for. It was the only school I really expected to go to. (And I know I'm at fault here - another little admitted fact: I graduated with a 1.9 GPA.) So there I sat in the car in the parking lot of Pick n Save while my mom went in to get cigarettes (and a bag of candy for me, to try to make me feel better), sobbing my eyes out. By the time I got home, I was alright. That night, I filled out an application to MATC, and informed Central College that I was dropping my application. (My reasoning behind that was if I couldn't manage to get accepted to the easiest university in WI to get into, why would I expect to gain entrance to a private college in Iowa?)

And then I had to congratulate everyone else on their acceptance to college. I saw all of my friends go off and live the life I so desperately wanted to be a part of. The logical solution: transfer.

Now I'm feeling like its too late - I can't get back that first experience ever again. I'm one step behind everyone I know. At MATC, I think maybe ONE of my classmates is my age. The rest are mid-twenties and above. This means nearly zero oppertunity for new friends. I mean yeah, some guys in my English class are nice...but they're all older...and we have nothing in common. And they've made it quite clear I'm not part of their group.

Tonight I read a bulliten on myspace: "I got into UWM!"

And within thirty seconds I'm a mess of tears and snot. I didn't think it would still hurt. So far, I'm the only grandchild that didn't get into a four year university. And to be honest, I'm thinking of dropping out after this semester. How can I continue to go to the place I go now? Every time I walk into the building, I want to die. How can I expect to have a good experience if I transfer? I'll be a full year behind all my peers in terms of adjustment.


Thank god I didn't reach for the Xacto knife tonight. I thought about it. Long and hard. But I didn't. I suppose that says something for my willpower... but mostly I was just afraid of Eric's reaction to seeing marks on my body. That's sad...I didn't even care that I might fall back into the old habit...only that my boyfriend might be angry with me.

Heavy thoughts

I'm listening to "Dear Mr. President" by Pink. And I have to tell you its very thought provoking. Here are the lyrics:

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

I want his answers. How can it be that an entire people can sit in their homes, and just...let these things happen. I'm not talking about just Bush (although if I were voting age at the time of the election...) What about Nixon? Ever wonder why America doesn't have a government-provided health care system, like, say Canada, England, France, or really ANY other developed nation? Thank Nixon.

What about the notion that every man is created equal? I'm pretty sure if you were created gay, you're still equal. What about the separation of church and state? Sorry, but when "In God We Trust" is on the money...we don't have that separation (I'm not even going to get into the pledge of allegiance).

I could tell you I'm not proud to be an American. But that wouldn't come off right. Perhaps, I am merely glad to be an American, to have the rights that I have. But I'm not necessarily "proud". I'm not "proud" that Europe thinks we're a joke. I'm not "proud" that the American Embassies are so heavily guarded, because people don't want us anywhere.

I think that we have the power to make things right. I think that we could become a great nation again. However, I think that the problem lies with people that are too stuck in their own ideas to be able to change.

I've got so much to say on this...I could type for years.

Think about it.

A moment of confusion

Lately I've been defining myself as a pretty reserved person. I'm a loner. That's all fine and dandy, untill I realized all of my friends moved away. All I have left is Eric, and much as I love him...its not enough.

I've been trying though. I hang out with a few guys in my English class. Matt, Matt, Hector, and Jake. They're pretty cool, funny and all. But I get the distinct feeling I'm not part of the group, nor will I be invited to join the ranks of the cool. I get it though, we have nothing in common. I mean they're all in their mid-upper 20s, going back to college. And I'm 18, fresh out of high school. That's fine, I guess.

I really like the people I work with too. Tony, Dean, Connie, everyone really. And the same thing happens. Although I do understand I'm the "new girl".

I'm just not used to being in situations like this. I mean, yeah, I've been the new girl in elementary school...but that's so far away from now. It might as well be another life. Everything about me has changed since then. I didn't expect to be so desperate for day to day social interactions. I can't discredit my friendship with Tom and Matt, but I rarely see them.

I'm not 100% sure what to do about this. Should I just throw myself into it and force my way in? Or do I wait to get the much coveted invite? I'm keeping in mind my past history with throwing myself into things. I believe that's what happened in high school, and I'd really rather not relive that. It can't be THAT hard...can it?

Sometimes I suspect I'm over thinking this.

Yay insomnia

Well, It's roughly 11:15 pm and I need to be awake at 7 am tomorrow morning. Sleep? ha. ha. ha.

There's been lots of things going on in my life that are blogworthy, I just haven't...y'know...blogged them. Mostly because I'm lazy. Partly because I have to be in the blogging kind of mood. So let's begin.

Starbucks: Is amazing. I love my job, love the people. The only thing I really don't love is POS (Point of sale), or register, because it has thousands of little buttons that I can't seem to figure out. But I'm sure that with enough practice I'll master it. But I'm praying they don't decide to assign me a till tomorrow afternoon, when its super busy. Today I tried some of the black coffees that we have. I was surprised that I didn't hate it. They weren't actually that bad. (Oh, and if you have a favorite bean, and you really want it, I get a free pound per week. Since I don't drink much of anything that's not espresso, I'll give it to you. Just let me know.)

Other than that...in general life, things have been going ho-hum. I'm having a lot of issues with my body image right now, upon doing a little research and discovering I'm at least 20lbs overweight. i should weigh somewhere around 100-110. Last time I checked, I was 138. Yeah, its average for my AGE, but not for my HEIGHT. Remember guys, I'm the size of your average third grader. In addition, I needed new jeans. Let me tell you, it is hell for me to find jeans. First of all, I'm short, and they don't make jeans for short people (unless you're a size 2). And I'm super picky about my jeans.

(This is just an aside, something that gave me a lot of perspective. Recently I found my favorite pair of jeans from sophomore year. They were a size 3. I can't believe I thought I was fat back then. Because now, I would kill to get that body back. And I'm now a firm believer in Phy. Ed. In schools. As soon as I hit senior year, my activity level went down to 0. And I went from oh... a size 5 or 6 in junior year...to a size 10 or 12 now. But Old Navy sometimes cuts their jeans really large... so the ones I just bought were a size 6. A little tight, but hey, motivation, right?)

Anyways, my goal is to lose 20 lbs by New Years. I realize this may be impossible, but hey, why not shoot high? I'm watching what I eat and how much of it I consume, and I'm trying to motivate myself to exersise. I have a lot of respitory problems, so running is almost out of the question. And added to my knee problems...yeah. But I've resolved to start doing situps. I used to be able to do at least 100 without feeling a burn, during my size 3 days. I want to get back to that. And get rid of this ugly little bulge under my chin. That needs to go like, yesterday.

Wow. I realized I just spent an entire blog about my body image, and how I want to be tiny. I want to clarify something: I have terrible self esteem, and do not care about accepting myself for who I am. I feel like a skinny girl stuck inside a padded suit. This does not mean, however, that I disagree with the idea of self-acceptance. I just know that this is not the way I'm supposed to be shaped. Not only that, I'm not at a healthy weight, and I don't have a healthy activity level. The whole self esteem rant...that's way too personal to blog about, and I don't feel like crying tonight.

Well...maybe I'll go do 10 situps now...then catch some z's before bed. Hell, they might actually make me tired.

Peace.

Lost

I think lately I've been so absorbed in the idea of what I want to be, I've lost a sense of who I am at this moment.

I want to be the smart, intellectual girl that's well versed in the art of conversation. I love the feeling that I'm one of the "smart people". So I molded myself to become one of "them". I started changing my attitudes on life, just to fit a stereotype. I don't think I'm entirely comfortable with this. I mean, I do want to be something bigger than I am right now, but at the same time I don't want to lose a sense of where I come from.

I think I stopped inviting people over to my house in 10th grade, because I realized that all my friends were better off than my family was. They all lived in houses their parents owned, and these houses were kept very clean. My house is dark, dingy, smells like cigarettes, and isn't very tidy. No matter how much I picked up after my family, the yellow film of smoke remained on the walls, and the smell still hung in the air. I have friends that medically cannot stay in my house for more than 15 minutes without having an athsma attack. (which brings up a whole new rant about how my parents smoke and are practically killing my brother - and I have adult onset athsma caused by second hand smoke. I'm thrilled with them.).

I never, never, never wanted my parents to be anywhere near me at school functions. I know, its typical for a kid to be embarassed by her parents. But this feeling is magnified when your stepdad has two teeth, and hasn't showered in a while, and makes all these stupid comments in strange voices because he thinks he's being "clever". Or when your mother is wearing old ratty sweatpants that stop at her ankles, a tshirt about three sizes too big, and she hasn't brushed her hair in what appears to be a week. I very nearly told my mother not to attend my high school graduation.

It's not that I don't love them, its the stares I get. Especially from all of the well-to-do kids and their PTA involved mothers that are dignified and wearing makeup with nice hair and clothes that come from this decade. I always secretly wanted one of them to adopt me.

I'm not sure what I'm striving to anymore. I have this feeling of discontent that I can't seem to shake. I feel like I've gotten lost in the department store of life, and there's no smiling clerk to page my mother. Not that I'd be caught dead in public with my mother unless she goes through a five point inspection.