Update

Well. Let's see. I'm in a really bad mood so this might not be a very happy sounding update but here we go.

My car died. As in, nothing happens when I turn the key. I think my battery is dead. I'm hoping it's just the battery. Otherwise I'll be even more pissed off tomorrow (later today).

I haven't read any of the Lewis and Clark stuff that I'm supposed to have read for my class tomorrow. But I'm angry so I won't retain any of the information anyways. I'll read on the way there I guess.

I'm regretting a lot of my decisions lately. Namely, one big one. I wish I never moved out of my mom's house. It would have made the transition to Central WAY easier, and I'd probably be in Pella right now. It would have made that weird breakup/on a break thing with The Boy easier. It would have meant that I'd have money now. It would have meant I wouldn't have taken that promotion at work just for the money. I probably wouldn't be taking any online classes.

I'm sorry. I've been really unhappy and cynical lately, and I don't mean for that to spill over to this. Except that's a lie. It spills over into everything and I don't care. I just feel that if I apologize for being a really negative and angry person, it makes me seem like less of a bitch. Even though I know I'm a huge bitch and there really isn't any changing it. Part of me wishes I could be one of those happy people that live in California and go surfing all the time. But then deep down I know I'm just an angry cynical wary person that would probably do well in New York City. In fact, I wouldn't mind living in NYC. Except it kind of scares me, yet at the same time the city just has this LIFE. It makes me feel alive. And lately, the only time I feel alive is if I'm pretty boozed up. Which is really bad.

I think I need to go see a therapist again. I think stress is a trigger for my depression. Only now it feels different. I'm not just sad, melancholy and teary. I'm angry. Really angry. The kind of anger that scares people, the kind that ends in bloodshed. Only I keep all of that hidden under jokes and sarcasm. Is that bad? Probably.

At work the other day, I was talking to a customer and we were joking about how I could just snap at any moment. He told me that I look like I could have a lot of rage built up inside me and that I could just BOOM lose it.

He was 100% on the money.

Oh crap, this was supposed to just be updates. Sorry. Again. I know nobody that reads this is interested in the fragile state of my mental/emotional health.

It's just that life keeps shitting on me and I just want to go back to my room at my mom's and crawl into my old bed and pull my old comforter over my head. It was nice that way. I liked it that way. And I don't know why I left. That's a lie too, but I'm not going to admit the truth just yet. I'm sorry. And there's no going back now. My mom gave my bed to my brother. My comforter is in the basement, and my old bedroom is my brother's room now and it smells like an adolescent boy.

I really need a friend right now.

Or a drink.

No. A friend.

Ok, I'm going to stop my ranting now.

Night.