Next

Ok, so I failed my first driver's test. I wasn't surprised. I was so nervous so I made a lot of mistakes. I scheduled my next test for the soonest possible date. March 13. Which happens to be a Friday. I'm sure that's not a bad omen or anything...Ha.

Actually 13 is a lucky number for a lot of pagans. There are 13 full moons in a year. I don't know why it's considered unlucky actually. I happen to like the number 13. Maybe I'm just not familiar with this superstition...which is odd because I'm very superstitious. I'll have to google it.

I'm also addicted to This American Life now. I downloaded the weekly podcast and the website also has the episodes archived and streaming. So I'm working through old episodes while I drink my coffee (Italian roast. Yum!). This one is about an American guy that falls in love with a Chinese girl in China, and how their love develops.

I think I'd really like to travel to China. And Japan. I'm really sad that I didn't get a chance to take more Chinese classes in Iowa. I think UWM offers Chinese though. I'm currently listening to a Learn Mandarin podcast. I don't know, it's just a delightful challenge for me. Latin-based languages are easy to pick up, but Chinese is not anything like that. Japanese might be fun too.

My mom and I did some shopping yesterday and I got some new exercise clothes, and a new winter coat. I really do know how to bargain shop. I managed to get a $150 coat for $30, and some name brand exercise clothes for $30 total. I'm really excited to maybe take some yoga classes. It seems like something that would really benefit me.

Sorry, I know this is sort of all over the place, but I keep walking away from this to drink coffee, organize the dishes, etc. I promised The Boy I'd do the dishes today, since I have the whole weekend off. I also need to clean the bathroom (which is my room to clean, he doesn't do it. He gets the kitchen usually). For those of whom that know one of my biggest pet peeves: Yes, his hair is all over the sink. I'm putting it off for that reason.

Oh, I also decided I need to save up like a grand for Ikea. I would like to replace my living room set. And while I'm at it, I found a kitchen table and 4 chairs for around $100. And then why stop there? Why not get a bed frame like I've been wanting? Ikea will be the ruin of me.

I just really need to get rid of my gigantic desk. Why doesn't anybody want it? I was hoping to get maybe $50 for it, but if it isn't gone by the time I'm ready to get new furniture I'll end up giving it to Goodwill. The only thing is it's huge and needs to be taken apart to be moved. Maybe by then I'll know someone with a pickup truck.

Ok, I think this is long enough and my sink is full of sudsy water so I suppose I should get on that.

Testing

Ok, my test is today. I'm honestly expecting to fail, because Grange is apparently the worst DMV to take the test at. A close second/tie is Mill Rd. So I'm not going to cry if I fail, I'm just going to schedule my test for as soon as possible.

Also I don't have to worry about The Boy's "stipulation" on loaning me the money to get my car fixed, because my taxes were direct deposited today!

My bank account has more than $15 in it! Yaaaaaay!

My nose hurts really bad though. Ok, not REALLY bad but it's annoying. But thanks a ton, Ty! :)

Ok, I should probably go put some pants on before my mom comes to pick me up. Then we're driving my dad to work, then we're off to my grandma's to pick up her car, and then FINALLY I'll be driving down to the DMV. Ugh, I'm getting very nervous now. I had a dream one of the wheels of my car fell off in the middle of my test.

Track

It seems like the universe decided to A) let me eat my Rice Crispies in peace and B) let things get back on the right track.

My car is already done and parked outside as I type. My road test is tomorrow and gods willing I'll get to actually DRIVE my car. I'm hoping to get to G-Town and have coffee with my cousin at Latitudes (Don't tell my employer but this is one of the best coffeehouses around). Like I said, gods willing.

Things seem to be on the right track, at least for now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Reprieve

I would love it if life quit shitting on me for like, 10 minutes. That's all I want. 10 minutes. I haven't eaten breakfast yet and this is my day so far.

Get woken up by mom calling. Ignore call. Listen to message "CALL ME NOW". Panic thinking someone died. Call mom back. It was about my car. I need a new battery, battery cables, a new ball joint because one of my tires was going to fall off the car, and two tires because the mechanic won't let me drive it off the lot unless they're fixed. Oh, and my alternator fell apart, he has to put that together to see if it even works. So who knows how much extra THAT'S going to be, but right now I have $450 in repairs. The mechanic said that since I paid only $200 for the car to begin with, it isn't even worth the repairs. My mom offers to give me back the money I paid for the car, but then I have no car. The only reason I got it for so cheap is because I know the people that sold it to me. So I text The Boy to see if I can borrow some money to cover $300 of the repairs (my mom said she'd cover $150). He says yes, so I call my mom and tell her ok. Then he texts me back so say he'll only give me the money if I get my license. My test isn't until tomorrow and the mechanic needed an answer in the range of right now. And I had already given the ok. The Boy just says "well you'd better get your license then". (Aside: seriously?!)

So essentially, I'm boned.

And I haven't even been awake for an hour. Not even a half hour.

Then I get a facebook message from someone at Central College. Turns out they sent me a 1098T form, for my tuition, and it got returned. So my mom's taxes are now inaccurate. Fucking kill me. I don't want anything to do with that place. I was missing it for a while lately, but now, I remember how horrible an experience it was. Nobody knows what the shit is going on there. Oh yeah, and I still owe them a grand for the two weeks I was there (Originally 800 but you know, late fees). My tuition for an entire semester at MATC was just over a grand. Effing rediculous.

So I'd be really glad if absolutely nothing happened for long enough to eat my Rice Crispies in peace.

Stuff

I was just listening to this week's This American Life podcast. The last little bit was the guy reading an inventory of stuff that abandoned the original purpose only to find a more permanent place.

Some of it was nice. Some sad. Some perplexing.

And it got me to thinking.

Everything we come into contact with has a story. You might not know the story. But everything comes from somewhere. I know that the Mac I'm using to write this blog was owned by a photographer. But what before that? It boggles the mind.

Apology

So, uh, sorry about that last post. Really, that's not how I usually am. I'm going to blame it on sleep deprivation and a shitty day.

Today my car was towed and I'll find out tomorrow what the problem is. My mom said she'd help me cover the repairs, and I'm so grateful. I also did a perfect job driving today, so here's hoping that my test goes off without a hitch. And honestly, I'm not worried about being nervous, because my mom is the worst passenger in the world and I can tolerate her.

I also managed to make it to class on time this morning. I had to set like four different alarms to get me out of bed but it worked. I came home after class and had a short nap, and then I napped at work, and I'm still pretty much beat. My tongue has this weird bump on it that hurts. I'm pretty sure I bit it somehow and this irritates me.

I haven't been this sleepy at 10 pm in a loooong time. I think I'm going to finish checking my email and then curl up with this month's cosmo and the Ikea catalogue (Thanks Tony!)

Okay, night everybody :)

Update

Well. Let's see. I'm in a really bad mood so this might not be a very happy sounding update but here we go.

My car died. As in, nothing happens when I turn the key. I think my battery is dead. I'm hoping it's just the battery. Otherwise I'll be even more pissed off tomorrow (later today).

I haven't read any of the Lewis and Clark stuff that I'm supposed to have read for my class tomorrow. But I'm angry so I won't retain any of the information anyways. I'll read on the way there I guess.

I'm regretting a lot of my decisions lately. Namely, one big one. I wish I never moved out of my mom's house. It would have made the transition to Central WAY easier, and I'd probably be in Pella right now. It would have made that weird breakup/on a break thing with The Boy easier. It would have meant that I'd have money now. It would have meant I wouldn't have taken that promotion at work just for the money. I probably wouldn't be taking any online classes.

I'm sorry. I've been really unhappy and cynical lately, and I don't mean for that to spill over to this. Except that's a lie. It spills over into everything and I don't care. I just feel that if I apologize for being a really negative and angry person, it makes me seem like less of a bitch. Even though I know I'm a huge bitch and there really isn't any changing it. Part of me wishes I could be one of those happy people that live in California and go surfing all the time. But then deep down I know I'm just an angry cynical wary person that would probably do well in New York City. In fact, I wouldn't mind living in NYC. Except it kind of scares me, yet at the same time the city just has this LIFE. It makes me feel alive. And lately, the only time I feel alive is if I'm pretty boozed up. Which is really bad.

I think I need to go see a therapist again. I think stress is a trigger for my depression. Only now it feels different. I'm not just sad, melancholy and teary. I'm angry. Really angry. The kind of anger that scares people, the kind that ends in bloodshed. Only I keep all of that hidden under jokes and sarcasm. Is that bad? Probably.

At work the other day, I was talking to a customer and we were joking about how I could just snap at any moment. He told me that I look like I could have a lot of rage built up inside me and that I could just BOOM lose it.

He was 100% on the money.

Oh crap, this was supposed to just be updates. Sorry. Again. I know nobody that reads this is interested in the fragile state of my mental/emotional health.

It's just that life keeps shitting on me and I just want to go back to my room at my mom's and crawl into my old bed and pull my old comforter over my head. It was nice that way. I liked it that way. And I don't know why I left. That's a lie too, but I'm not going to admit the truth just yet. I'm sorry. And there's no going back now. My mom gave my bed to my brother. My comforter is in the basement, and my old bedroom is my brother's room now and it smells like an adolescent boy.

I really need a friend right now.

Or a drink.

No. A friend.

Ok, I'm going to stop my ranting now.

Night.

You

I don't think I like you anymore. Thinking about you makes me sad. Being around you makes me feel bad about myself. I know you, and I thought I knew you better than anyone else at one point. But now, I find myself wishing I didn't. I disagree with everything you think.

I hope I forget you someday.

I'm pretty sure you've already forgotten about me.

Disaster

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my financial and home-related goals. Just to have a record of what I'd like to accomplish in the next year, I'm going to blog about them here.

As far as money goes, I'd like to have my credit card paid off in full in 6 months. I have a 2,500 limit and I'm ashamed to admit that it is currently maxed out. I'm planning on throwing a lot of my tax return at it in a couple of weeks. I'm also going to need to take out a second student loan, to pay off tuition, so I'm going to put the remainder of that into the card. I know it isn't smart to juggle debt like that, but the student loans won't need to be paid back for years, and I can start paying in small increments now without interest.

I'd also like to start saving money. I'm only turning 20, but I don't think it's ever too early to think about owning a home, a car, and retirement. Ideally, I'd like to put $25 each month into an emergency savings account. It doesn't sound like much but I know it adds up fast.

As far as home-related goals go, I'd like to start creating a small stockpile of food. Sounds crazy, I know, but you never know what could happen. Currently, Eric and I could live for about 2 weeks on our perishable and non-perishable foods. If some sort of natural/economical disaster hit, I'd like to be prepared. I'm going to have him stock up on pasta, sauces, and canned goods when he's out doing the shopping this weekend. I'd also like to start canning my own foods. Once the growing season starts up again, I'm planning on going to the farmer's market once a week to pick up fresh produce to store. Things like fruit and vegetables.

I'm hoping I'll be able to accomplish all this while still securing a small nest egg for myself.

Money

I've been reading a lot of personal finance blogs lately. People that do little things that save big money. And I've decided that in light of my own personal finance crisis, I'd do some tracking and saving of my own. I registered an account with Expensr and as of right now all of our outstanding and due bills are paid.

I decided to make a change to my cell phone plan. The Boy and I have a shared plan. We have T-Mobile, and we currently have the Fave 5 Plan. Which isn't really that exciting except you can have unlimited calls with 5 phone numbers, landlines included. It sounded pretty sweet at the time because I was still talking to Sarah at the time. Now, however, the only person on The Boy's 5 is me (and we'd get unlimited in-network calls anyways) and the only person on my 5 that I ever talk to is my mom (and we talk at night- hello unlimited nights and weekends) we decided to downgrade our plan. We have the same shared minutes, but no Fave 5. It's going to save us roughly $20 a month.

It would be a ton easier to plan budgets for things if I had a semi-fixed income. Unfortunately I'm at the mercy of my part-time (lower paying) job. I don't have a lot of expenses lined up, except for repairs to my car and maybe a new (used?) couch. The couch will probably not happen. I'm really trying to be smart about what I WANT and what I NEED. I looked at my Expensr account and realized I spend way too much on fast food. I'm going to keep up with my $10/month Starbucks limit, and I'm probably going to give myself a Subway budget as well (sometimes its just easier to get a sub at work. And more yummy. And hot.). Other than that, I need to start either not eating out, or bringing my own food places.

I need to stop buying new clothes at such high prices. I need to either be more diligent about Goodwill, or frequent the evil Wal-Mart more often. Although, it would probably be smarter for me to find bargains at Marshall's and have higher-quality items than cheap things that won't last me a single season at Wal-Mart. Goodwill is always tough because you never know what you'll find. And if you're looking for something specific it can be a huge headache.

So far, the only things I NEED in the near future are new tires for my car, a few repairs for my car, and some decent-fitting clothing (not much, mostly just excersise stuff so I can actually go out for runs now that it's getting nicer). Oh, I also need a new winter coat, but I'm waiting just a smidge longer on that so I could get one on the cheap. Gotta live clearance!

Waste

10 Things You Wish You Could Say to 10 Different People Right Now:

10. You'd get a lot more respect if you didn't talk down to people. Staring at people like they're stupid doesn't help either. And while you're at it, read a dictionary.

9. Stop pretending you're so pure and good and perfect. You're flawed like the rest of us. Stop judging and putting everyone down.

8. I sincerely wish you do well after the move. You won't find happiness here.

7. I don't think we're even friends anymore. You're not there when I need you, and talking to you is akward. And it kills me when you talk about your closest friends, because I know I'm not in that group.

6. I now understand why people dislike you so much. Stop one-upping everything everyone has to say.

5. Let go, she's happy for now. I know it hurts, but I know you could be happier.

4. You don't deserve the special treatment that you receive.

3. I resent you 99% of the time.

2. I love you more than anything in the world.

1. You know what you need to do to fix your life. Do it. Nobody will think less of you if you stop.


9 Things People Might Not Know About You:

9. I hide behind stupidity. I'm actually very sharp. But I feel that bothers people.
8. I don't think anything is funny. My sense of humor is broken.
7. I can bend my fingers almost all the way backwards with no pain.
6. I mock people in my head all the time. And I don't feel guilty.
5. I don't care about a lot of things anymore. But I care more about a few things.
4. I used to be a huge bible-thumper when I was a kid.
3. Centipedes scare me more than anything on this earth.
2. I refuse to admit certain things about my past because I don't want to categorize myself.
1. I was a vegetarian for a year, but I will now eat a raw steak.




8 Ways To Your Heart:

8. Have an intelligent conversation with me.
7. Respect me, my wishes, and my dislikes.
6. Don't compliment me often. I don't take compliments well.
5. Have good hygiene.
4. Know when to hold me and when to leave me alone.
3. Know where you want to be in life. Nothing is as sexy as a plan.
2. Don't expect me to melt. I don't melt.
1. Patience is key.



7 Awesome Movies:

7. Queen of the Damned
6. Juno
5. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
4. Hair
3. Hackers
2. Phantom of the Opera
1. Moulin Rouge

6 Things You Do Before You Fall Asleep:

6. Put on one of The Boy's old T shirts
5. Make the blankets on the bed go the correct way.
4. Plug my phone in
3. Watch TV with The Boy
2. Cuddles, if I'm lucky
1. Attempt to steal cuddles, if I'm not lucky

5 People Who Mean A Lot To You:

(In no particular order)
5. Eric
4. Dean
3. Sarah
2. Matt
1. Tom


4 Things You Don't Like:

4. Everything
3. You
2. Down jackets
1. Pretentious people


3 Things You Like:

3. My Mac
2. My Blackberry
1. My own lonely shallow existence.

2 Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

2. Change my last name.
1. Become the person that I dreamed of when I was 16


1 Confession: I'm insanely insecure about everything. Every move I make, I think about 10 times before I do it. And those impulse things I do? I always regret them.

Productive

I'm feeling very productive today. I've cleaned up the apartment somewhat and I'm going to finish cleaning as soon as I get off work. I have a short shift so I'm sure I'll still feel motivated. I've discovered my secret motivational weapon: Caffeine. In the form of an Iced triple grande no soy no ice white mocha. I made it last night and just stuck it in my fridge for this morning. It kept perfectly and boy am I moving. I think I might do that from now on, just make one for the next morning every time I go out. I'm for sure going to do that tonight. I have my early class tomorrow.

I also figured out a way to save a bunch of money on my cell phone bill. If The Boy and I get rid of the fave 5 plan (and to be honest we never really talk to our fave 5's. I'm the only one on his) and go to an unlimited tmobile to tmobile plan, we can save about $20 a month. I may also be able to reduce my internet bill, because I get a coprorate discount through AT&T. I'm not sure abou that one though, I may need to already have wireless service form them. Oh well. I know a few of the reps in the mall so I'll just ask them. (It pays to be the source of caffeine in a mall).

I have to do a ton of textbook reading tonight for my class tomorrow, but it's actually very interesting (and depressing) material. I just wish I knew what was going on with my work life so that I could switch into some in-person classes for the rest of my classes. If I get that job at Northwestern (which is a long shot), It would be full time during the day, so I'd have to perhaps switch my early class to a night class downtown. Which bugs me. But hey, if I'm in the area already, it wouldn't be much to take a bus to class after work.

I'm also fairly certain my wisdom teeth are coming in on my bottom jaw. It hurts like a mofo. I also have a cavity forming in one of my molars on the bottom. So I really really need to see a dentist fairly soon. But I'm terrified of dentists. I'm going to end up asking my doctor if she can prescribe something I can take to calm me down. (Which is a big deal for me, I don't like pills or drugs in general). But then I'd have to find a way to my doctor's office. She isn't on a busline at all (The office is in Elm Grove, I believe, for those of you who know my geography). I need to see her anyways though. I'm having a really hard time hearing low-pitched noises (voices) and high pitched noices (guitars on the radio, electronics) hurt my ears really badly. I probably either have some hearing loss, a wax buildup, or an ear infection. I hope it isn't an infection, because it would be both ears and that would suck.

I think this post has gotten long enough, I'm sure I'll be back later though, while procrastinating laundry. :)

Lost

Alright, I should probably update everyone on what happened with that interview that I predicted would be a disaster.

It never happened.

I drove myself there (illegal and bad choice). I got so lost. I ended up in some really bad part of the north side, after I was already 20 mins late, and I just gave up and went home. I didn't bother rescheduling. First, there's a bunch of issues with insurance and such for my car. Then, I don't actually have my license yet. Third, it would be an hour drive for me every day and well, I don't want to put my poor half-dead car through that.

There is hope for me yet, however.

My mom's company (Northwestern Mutual) is hiring 15 new POS (Policy Owner Services) associates. Since this is my mom's department, she can forward my resume to the hiring manager and put in a good word for me. There's only one problem: It's a full time position and I do have one in person class that I really can't drop. I could try to find another time to take it (like at night) except it would not be in west allis. I'm hoping to have my license before I go transferring to the downtown campus. That, and that particular campus is not in a good area and I do not feel comfortable being in that area at night (Yeah, I live in the suburbs. Does it show?). But I suppose that's a bridge to cross when I come to it.

Today is also going to be the most uneventful valentine's day ever. The Boy and I are both extremely poor, so we MIGHT see a movie but most likely we'll just end up sitting at home doing nothing like every other night. A couple friends want to go out much later, but The Boy is fighting with one of them and that's just drama I don't want to touch. I'll let them duke it out and figure out what's going on. Which is really a shame because I was looking forward to hanging out with them. I don't have enough people to just hang out with, and The Boy and I don't have...any...mutual friends. In fact, for the most part, we hate each other's friends (except for this couple, but like I said, there's drama).

Nothing else of interest is going on in my life. It snowed, and that sucks, but it is still February and this is still Wisconsin. It seems to be melting already though.

Ok, I'm going to go rouse The Boy and see if he'd like to go see a movie.

Interview

I landed an interview for a "real" job. It's at Ikon, inside of Jonson Controls. Which is great. Except I just have this sinking feeling every time I think about it. I predict it will not go well. (I'll keep you posted). I also have to drive myself there. I told the lady I had a driver's license, go me. But, by date of hire (if) I'll have one. So, does the end justify the means? I don't know. I have the worst headache ever right now. And I feel like I may lose my dinner (Ironically a cookie).

I don't know why I'm stressing out. I probably won't get the job. My head feels like its going to explode. They want me to have my car insured as well. Which is fine except in order to insure a car you have to have a valid driver's license. And I tried checking to see if I could just bump up the date of my test, but no luck. I'll try again at midnight, because apparently that's when they open it up. I'll see if my stepmom could take me. I drove around for a good hour tonight and it was fine. I even drove on Hwy 100 which to be honest, scared the crap out of me before I actually did it. I need to find my advil.

This is probably the most scatterbrained and random blog I've ever written but seriously, my head is exploding.

Auto

I just drove my very own car home. I actually did pretty well. I was only going about 10 MPH for the majority of the way though. Oh well. And I only ALMOST hit a parked car in my parking lot. But overall it wasn't too bad (other than I couldn't see because the defroster was god knows where and it was foggy. Oh well).

I'm excited. I'm going to the DMV as soon as possible to get it re-titled.

I did it. I have a car (and a license hopefully as of the 27th) before my 20th birthday.

Music

Ok, I'm taking a break from homework to just jot something down.

There's always been one artist that's resonated with me on multiple levels, from age 11 to now. Pink. Sounds hokey, but really she's brilliant. She's not ashamed of revealing how painful life can be, and at the same time she's telling everyone to love themselves and to do what makes them happy.

Every single one of her albums are amazing. So amazing, that I'm going to BUY them. Yeah.

I don't know. Not every single song resonates with me, but most. At just about every point in my life. From being teased, to having self-esteem issues, breakups, relationships, drinking, everything.

I know this isn't to cohesive, but like I said I just wanted to write that down.

Online

I'm taking 3 online classes this semester. This is mostly because of work availability issues, which I do NOT agree with, but what can you do? Also, two of the four classes I wanted to take were not at the campus near me, and I don't have transportation downtown or to the south and north campuses. So, I figured it would be great taking an online class, because I could do it on my own time, etc.

WRONG.

I'm absolutely not motivated for any of these classes. If nothing else, I've learned that I do best in a face-to-face lecture environment. I feel like I'm only taking one class this semester, even though I'm a full time student. So even though it's only the second week, I'm about 99.9% sure I'm going to fail three classes this semester. I'm hoping that I can switch into the in-person version of one of the classes, but as for the other two, I really don't know. I could do the downtown one as long as I can get there when The Boy is there, and ride back and forth with him.

I'm not as worried about hours because The Boy is working again (THANK GOD). We're also getting taxes and student loans soon, so we'll be paying off past-due bills and credit card debt. I haven't gotten that car yet, but I'm not insanely worried. My test is on the 27th and I haven't spent one millisecond behind the wheel yet, which does worry me.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to registration and ask to transfer sections on that one class. I know it's a no-no, but I'm willing to change my availability for it. It's either that or I fail. I don't know what to do about the other two (possibly just the one). I hope it doesn't take forever to talk to someone tomorrow, because I do need to get to work. Ugh, I hate it, why couldn't I have just been born into money. That would make life SO much easier ;)