Ulcer

Last night, I was so angry when I went to bed that I didn't sleep. Not really, anyways. So at about 4 am, when Eric got home, I was wide awake and literally shaking.

I decided to tell him what was on my mind. I told him that in no way would I be allowing myself to start this whole cycle again, and in no way would I allow him to treat me like shit again. I told him that in order to rebuild this relationship, he's going to have to make some sacrifices.

He agreed. He told me that when he's ready, he's going to ask me out on a date, and from there we can try to work on stuff.

Part of me is getting over it. Part of me is just like "well, fuck you too, I don't care either". And the other part of me is giving me an ulcer. I just wish I could tell with some certainty what the future held.

Oh, by the way, my apartment still smells like old people. In case you were interested. Haha.

Progress

There are five stages to grief. One of them is Anger. I'm in that stage.

It has come to my attention that I do not deserve this. Everything that has happened has been on Eric's terms. We moved in together when he said it was okay. Then he dumped me. Then he decides we're on a break. And he gets to decide when/if we get back together.

Nevermind the fact that I do everything to hold our relationship together. I cook, I clean, I plan things for us to do. And he doesn't even feel the need to pay attention to me. And if I'm upset, somehow it gets turned around to his problems and his needs.

Is it so much to ask that he come home once in a while? Apparently. Apparently, hanging out with his loser friends is MUCH more important than any relationship we have. (And no, I'm not being mean there, his friends are all losers. Trust me on that. None of them do anything with their lives.)

I don't know where I'm going with this rant. All I know is, I'm not going to wait around for him to decide he's ready to be a man and face the fact that having a girlfriend is more than just having a pretty girl waiting at home, when and if he decides to come home. I'll wait for now, but if something much better comes my way...I don't think I'm going to see all this hurt as worth the effort. He needs to show me that he's really sincere.

Cracked

It has come to my attention that Eric and I are indeed, not broken up. We are simply on a break. I did not know this, until last night.

I want to know how I could possibly not know something like that.

Anyways, I suppose that information is very reassuring. I mean, it is. He told me that he'd come back, and that he wasn't looking for anyone else. I informed him that I would not be waiting around forever.

I think I'm adjusting quite well, actually. I haven't had any more panic attacks, and I did eat something yesterday.

I think I'm going to take this break as an opportunity to do things by myself, and with friends, where I used to rely on Eric. I'm thinking of going for Japanese food. I've never tried sushi, and I'd like to. Also, I would like to take some sort of dance lesson in the future. Perhaps bellydance, or maybe salsa or swing dance. The only thing about the last two is I think you need a partner. Maybe Sarah would want to learn to do dances with me. We would make awesome lesbians, let me tell you. Haha.

In other news, I still haven't written that 1 act play I needed to have done by last Tuesday, for creative writing. I'm doing really poorly this semester, and I'm worried. I think as long as I do well on all my exams, I should be fine in Sociology. I'm pretty sure I've mathematically failed Death & Dying. Creative writing could go in a few directions, mostly hinging on whether or not I finish (and start) this damned play. And, I'm fairly certain I've got a C average in my History of Vietnam class. I decided not to do the research paper, because I don't think it would help my grade at all. I suppose a C average isn't too bad. Not good, but its not like I'm failing.

I'm thinking of taking some classes online this summer, to keep me in the swing of things. I'm changing my program at MATC to business management. I'm figuring, if all else fails and I don't get into Central for whatever reason, I can at least persue something I really want to do.

As irrational as this sounds, I really do not want to get a degree in something semi-pointless and end up teaching for a few decades before I decide to go back to school and open my own business. I'm thinking, why don't I just do it now, while I'm young, and eliminate the middle man, so to speak. I've thought long and hard about what I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, and the only thing that comes to mind is coffee. I really love what I do at Starbucks, and I really would like to have my own cafe. And while it might sound stupid and irrational to some people to go ahead and do that while I'm young, I see it differently. Life is about taking risks and chances and seeing where things end up. I want to take this chance, this risk.

We'll see how everything turns out. I'm excited for summer, and warm weather, and seeing Sarah because I miss her like crazy (what is it now, like a week until you come home?). And for anyone wondering, I'm really doing okay.

Company

I suppose I should blog before its midnight and then technically tomorrow and I'll have missed a day of blogging. Woah, run on sentence.

Anyways, life. I worked today. I have the Beltane festival at Hart Park tomorrow, which should be alright. A certain old friend of mine will be there, and I'm not looking forward to that altercation.

Sarah is coming home soon. I can't wait. I miss her like crazy, and I really need her to lean on. And she needs me to lean on.

I did a stupid thing and let Eric sleep in bed with me. I couldn't sleep, and I heard him come in, so I got up to give him a proper pillow. He offered to come to bed. And I let him. Because I'm so desperate for those quiet moments, that I'm willing to do anything. And then I dreamed he had sex with some strange woman and I woke up realizing that could very well happen and I can't say anything about it. And it crushed me. Because I cannot picture him being with another woman... I just can't.

So I'm going out to the bar with my mom, and if I'm lucky, she'll get me drunk.

Aftermath

What's done is done. No amount of wanting to "forget this ever happened" is ever going to work. So we must move on and deal with the aftermath.

On the whole, this has been a surprisingly good breakup. I'm saying good because no insults have been slung and I haven't hit him. Still...this sucks.

We're roommates now, he gets the couch. Neither of us wants to leave, and we do have a yearlong lease. Not to mention he owes me over a grand.

He did the most peculiar thing today. After I had a panic attack on the floor of my living room, he came over to me and held me, then got me into bed and cuddled me, until I could breathe again. And while he was holding me, I couldn't help feeling like everything was going to be okay. As much as I hate to admit it, I need that touch. So we're "free" now. I suppose that means single. And even though that distinction has been made, I felt more comfortable in his arms than anywhere I've been. Sad? Probably.

Ready

There are certain things in life that simply must be done, whether or not you want to do them. This could mean the laundry or the dishes. Or letting someone go.

I'm realizing that nothing I say or do can change the circumstances I've found myself in. The only solution is to let it go. I'm not ready for that. I want nothing more than to cling to the memory of past happiness and torture myself in the here-and-now. But that's just going to make both of us unhappy. If he decides to forgo his own happiness for mine, I'll still be unhappy, knowing that he's unhappy and I'm the reason.

So I figure, its time to quit while I'm ahead, so to speak. I'm bracing myself for the inevitable pain, much like one squints before ripping off a band-aid. The longer I wait, the more downhill things will go, and the sicker I'll get.

But what kills me, is the notion that he can just...fall out of love with me so quickly. He says when he looks into my eyes he doesn't feel it anymore. When he looked at me this morning and said "I guess I'm just not in love with you anymore", I knew that there was no way to make this work.

I just wish I knew what made him fall out of love so quickly, and without regret.

Awe

I think I just realized, for the first time in my life, how incredibly alone I am.

I've got friends.

I've got family.

But when I get down to it, the only person I have on this Earth is myself.

I don't know whether or not to feel liberated or suffocated.

Poetic Justice

I don't have my internet turned on until Tuesday, but I'm at my mom's for the night so I figured I'd better blog.

Living on my own is...well. I'm alive and that's what counts right?