School Pt 2

Okay, I can't register for my classes until November 6th. This is gonna be a long wait. I just want to register, have Christmas, and GO BACK TO SCHOOL ALREADY.

I need to get out of the rut my life is in.

I need to get the eff out of Stallis, because I hate this place.

I need to be in a place that makes me happy every time I wake up in the morning.

But most of all, I need to be able to pay for these things.

I don't work until 4 today, so after this blog (I write to get myself in the mood for writing) I'm going to grab my notebook, and start tooling myself a good resume. Then I'm going to actually apply for jobs. For real. Probably using the fax machine at work that I'm pretty sure we can't use for personal stuff but the manager did so I'm just gonna fake ignorance.

Other things.

I spent most of yesterday with The Boy. It was a really really good evening. I got most of my halloween costume (We're going as Velma and Shaggy) from Goodwill. Except I found out that Velma does not wear a brown skirt and brown loafers. She wears red. I find this out AFTER I buy the PERFECT brown skirt and the perfect brown loafers. Oh well. We're gonna use our imaginations, because there's no way I'm finding a red skirt or red shoes anywhere close to that perfect. Plus now I need orange knee socks, which are apparently non-existant. Probably going to have to get them from a halloween store, which means my costume will no longer be 100% thrifted. Close though

I'm sick again, got this weird sore throat + cough + general miserable feeling going on. I have to work tonight, but maybe someone will take a few hours of my shift and I'll get to come home early.

That's all I really have to say for now. I hope I can refrain from doing nothing but snacking at work tonight. Peace!

School

I've wasted the last year and a half, school-wise. So, this is my plan:

Step 1. Find a better full or part time job in the mornings.
Step 2. Quit my night job, work morning job and Friday night job only.
Step 3. Begin the semester from Hell, AKA 21 credit course load.
Step 4. Get at least 3.7 GPA, retake all classes less than B. Get higher than B.
Step 5. Transfer to UWM. Earn undergrad in possibly Biology. Keep 3.7+ GPA.
Step 6. Get excellent score on GRE/MCAT.
Step 7. Find and apply to Veterinary schools.
Step 8. Be awesome at Vet school.
Step 9. Become DVM.
Step 10. Enjoy life as a Veterinarian. :)

East

Last night I spent the night on the Eastside with my cousin. I love it down here. I can't get enough. I think I know where to start apartment hunting when the time is right.

I'm currently the only person awake in her house, and I'm just sitting around surfing the internet and playing with her roommate's cats. One of whom spent the whole night curled up with me on the couch. She must have known I've been missing my kitty.

Anyways, not much is new with me, or different. I'm not feeling 100%, but nothing a good dish of eggs and hashbrowns from Webbs won't fix.

Recluse

If I seem distant from everybody lately, I promise, I'm not mad, depressed, or anything else. I'm just taking some time from everybody else to focus on me. Not in a selfish way. In a self-promoting way.

It has come to my attention (actually it's always been in the back of my mind, but I was reminded of it in stark truth) that lately I've been putting on a happy face and going with the flow. I have 3 jobs that are a huge waste of time (to me). I'm just stuck in this cycle of going with the flow and it needs to stop. I need to take a step back and meditate on what's important to me, what I'm worth, and what I can do to get to where I need to be.

I need to stop basing my life decisions around what other people think I should be doing, or how other people may react. I'm learning that those that make a big deal out of my decisions don't need to be a part of my decisions, and those of my friends that don't freak out on me, are the ones that will stick around no matter what.

Above all, I need to learn to love myself. I'm really working hard to get to that point. Right now, I'm realizing that who I am now and who I want to be are not the same person, and I'm also working hard to become that person. I'm making some changes to my lifestyle, and hopefully that will add to my self-love experience.

So to anyone I brush off, please, be patient. I just need time in my chrysalis to become the beautiful butterfly I always knew I'd be.

Waste

So I just got done reading the FAQ booklet for the Vet Tech program at Madison. And now I know for sure that I don't even qualify. Because my grades in high school weren't good enough. Also, the program is highly competitive and I should have applied on the 1st, as all spots are likely to be filled already (they only accept 64 students per semester). Well, I suppose at least now I don't have to bother with the hassle of getting everything sent and paying the fee.

I just feel like I really dropped the ball on life. If I'm being totally honest with myself, I know that there's a 98% chance I won't return to college. I wish I could go back to 9th grade me and yell at myself. I wish I could tell myself to just suck it up and do well, because when you're 20 you'll be sitting in a tiny bedroom in your parent's apartment crying because your GPA was .001 too low for you to get into a program you really wanted to go for. I wish I could go back and tell 18 year old me not to move out of the house so soon, because when you do get accepted to the nice, expensive school in Iowa, you won't be able to stay because you'll be too financially tied to your apartment. I was told on graduation night that from this point on, nobody cares what your high school GPA was. What a load of shit. Actually, a lot of people care what your high school GPA was. And how many extracurriculars you participated in. And whether or not you volunteered. I didn't realize any of that was important until oh, senior year. Too late.

But I can't go back and warn myself. So I'm stuck, basically. I didn't do well enough in high school. I didn't do that well in college. I see a long stretch of low paying retail and food service jobs splayed out ahead of me and I just want to shoot myself now and be done with it.

I honestly have no idea how to proceed from here. Do I keep going to school for nothing? Wasting time and money, and not really learning anything of value, just to be in school? Do I just give up on school and try to find some sort of job that will sustain me? Do I just keep working my 3 shitty jobs and hope that somehow I'll be able to make ends meet? I have no clue. No direction.

I feel like a reject and a failure. I don't know what to say to family either. I keep saying I'm taking this semester off to work, but really, I've taken the last year off to work. And its gotten me nowhere. And when I say I'm not in school I get that sad, pity look. That look that says "I don't know what to say because all my conversation points revolved around you being in school". Then they talk about some other family member and what they're in school for and I feel even worse.

I'm not sure what else to say. Goodnight.

Adventure!

So today I went on an adventure with TC. We went down to Schaumburg to go to IKEA, which is really just short for Heaven On Earth. We got lost a ton of times, which was actually kind of fun, now that I'm not in a Jetta being piloted by a crazy person going 100 mph ;). I got a new lamp for like $5 and a shelf for a total of $13 (brackets and board sold seperately). I wish I had more money to just spend on everything I could ever dream of. I keep telling TC that one of these days I'm going to buy a house and furnish it with 100% IKEA. They had this pretend house set up and it was so nice. I want it all. Oh and when we were leaving they had a whole bin of catalogues, so I took 4. Haha. I figure I'll decorate with them or something.

Anyways, we had another adventure coming home, and we ended up getting lost like 6 more times (Illinois is all messed up. Dislike). Since we were running behind schedule TC had to call into work, and he found out that the hostess quit. So, I told him to call back and ask if they were hiring another hostess, and that I was still interested (I applied a while back). Then I get this cryptic text later on that read "Be here at 9 if you want the job". So...I got the job!

Nobody can call me a slacker now, I hold 3 jobs AND I volunteer. If I were smart I would start taking online classes or something, but I remember how well that went.

I'm actually kind of wondering how I'm going to balance work and school in the spring, once I go back. I think I'm going to end up reducing my AE availability and doing class in the morning or something. Or vice versa and Subway during the daytime and then class at like 6. I really need to get on the ball with applying to Madison. I'm probably going to send in all of my formal requests on Friday when I get paid again.

Oh and to answer a frequently asked question: Yes, The Boy and I are still together. We just live in different houses and don't see each other very often. Which, while I'm not thrilled about, I'm not super depressed over either. I get the whole bed to myself. And its actually refereshing not to see each other all the time. It's like we're dating again and not married. Which I'm realizing more and more that I'm not really ready to think about after all (long story).

I don't have anything else to update on really. I'm trying to get all my finances in order, but that's not going so well. I'll get everything straightened out soon. I just wish all of my bills didn't come at the same time. I'll have to call somone about that. I hear that most places are willing to adjust billing cycles if it means that I can pay on time. Whew.

Okay, I should stop blathering on now. I really should consider sleep, I have to work at 10:30 tomorrow. Night :)

Makeover

Today's problem only indirectly involves me. I'm having a lot of trouble with my mom. Let me sort of explain.

My mom is 42 years old. Most people mistake her for my grandmother, on account of her completely gray hair (which I am not looking forward to, considering I'm pretty gray myself). She used to dye it, but I think she just didn't feel like keeping up with it anymore. So, now her hair is mostly gray, with some really light dye residue left over on the bottom. I don't think she's washed her face in at least 10 years. She doesn't know how to dress her body to flatter. She ends up wearing something skin-tight, and looking like she's pregnant (as in, people actually ask her how far along she is. To which she replies "I'm just fat, actually", which makes me really sad). She's always had a problem with her teeth. As in, she doesn't brush, and she doesn't go to dentists because she's afraid. Recently, she bit into a taco and lost one of her front teeth. Now she has one tooth in front. The rest are rotting away. She does not make any effort to keep up her appearance in the way of hair removal (I know this is mostly cultural but still).

As a result, my actual grandmother told her that she looks like an old bag lady. My mom was telling me this in the car, and told me how she cried for hours. I had to look out the window and not say anything because I completely agree with grandma (though she didn't need to insult mom like that...).

I'm embarassed to be anywhere in public with her. I hate when people see her and realize that she's my mom. The Boy told me that if I let myself go like she has, he can't see himself being even remotely attracted to me. (I told him not to worry, I'm far too self-absorbed).

I owe her $300 for repairs to my car. I asked her what she would do with the money. She said she'd buy my stepdad some really expensive stereo equipment. (Which I find sad, he doesn't deserve anything but a swift kick in the ass and a job). I offered to maybe take her shopping (read: overhaul her closet and eradicate the 80's and all the ill-fitting sweaters) and she flat o ut told me no, because she's an old bag lady now. I feel so sad for her, but this isn't the first time. Maybe two years ago I told her that she needed to consider the things she wears in relation to the shape of her body. She tries to wear the same things I do, but I'm hourglass shaped, she's pear shaped, and the things that look good on me don't really look good on her. She's also been told by her employer that she needs to take better care of her hygiene, and she was sent home on occasion because people complained she had a musty smell (which wasn't her, it was her laundry). I think the problem has worsened because she only works out of the home twice a week now, and she can just laze around in sweats all day.

I guess I'm just at wits end. I really want her to be as beautiful as I know she can be. I want her to take pride in herself. I don't understand how she just doesn't care. I've offered to take her shopping for new clothes (things that fit!). I've offered to go to the salon with her and get some color and a new cut for her hair (it sort of just hangs limply and oil-ridden). I've offered to show her how to do makeup (stuck in the 80's and she ends up looking like a hooker when she does wear makup). She just flat refuses. I'm not sure what to do. But its getting to the point where she gets stares from people in public. She's only 42 but if you saw her you wouldn't belive it. What can I do? It's driving me crazy.

Parents

Okay. Now that I've finally set up the wireless internet at my parent's, I can finally blog. ON THE MACBOOK THAT I FIXED ALL BY MYSELF! I'm really proud that I managed to take apart this thing and put it back together. I did end up with about 6 extra screws. I have no idea how that happened. BUT. The screen works with no pixel blood and for the most part I have a fully functioning laptop.

People keep asking me how I'm liking living at my parent's house again. Here's the answer. I fucking hate it and I really don't want to talk about it outside of saying "well, I'm hardly ever home so it's not that bad". It is bad. Its fucking awful. I don't like, respect, or get along with these people at all. My mother is obnoxious. My brother is exceedingly stupid (and glued to either the PC or the xbox). My stepdad does nothing but chainsmoke, smoke weed, and play video games. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my car. Probably kill myself. Or attempt to live at The Boy's friend's house as well. So please, if you read my blog, take that as all the information you're going to get. I don't want to talk about it, because talking about it means I have to admit that I actually cohabitate with these people. I'd just prefer not to go there. Thank you.

As far as anything else in my life, I pretty much do nothing but work these days. I'm looking for a new job(s). I love love love volunteering at the Humane Society. More on that in a future blog. Right now, I have to come up with something to do that will get me out of the house now that my family is home. Bye.