Parte Une

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be a blog in two parts. Don't read this one if you just want a general update on life. Read this one if you want to listen to me bitch about my girl-feelings. END DISCLAIMER.

Okay, here goes. I don't know what it's been lately but I've found that a lot of things seem to really be getting to me. Not having a job (well, sort of job), only being in one class this semester, not having any money to do anything ever, facing debt and losing my apartment...I just don't know how long its going to be before I break down.

Maybe my depression is just catching up to me. It's been a while since I've actively been in treatment. But at least I'm admitting that I have depression to people. I do this thing where I refuse do admit things about myself because then I'm just another statistic and then people feel bad for me. But that's another rant. I'm trying to come out of that, because keeping everything secret is not going to help me.

I've just been feeling really worthless lately. I just got this job at AE, which is nice because its income, but it isn't much, and it's not many hours, and The Boy can't get unemployment and I feel like unless I get another job (or two) REALLY SOON bad things are going to happen.

I have this feeling like I won't go back to school anymore. I can't work two or three jobs and be a full time student, and even then, I can't afford tuition. I feel like a huge failure, and it's starting to affect the way I see other people's accomplishments. I SHOULD feel super excited that my best friend gets to go to South Africa to study and that she goes to a great private school so she gets those kinds of opportunities. (I know my viewpoint is totally skewed on this, don't judge me, I'm just emotional). I know that talking to her right now is only going to bring her down so I'm doing a really bad thing and half-ignoring her. I just don't want to think about how she gets all these fantastic opportunities and I'm stuck folding shirts and desperately seeking two extra jobs to throw onto the load just to have a place to live and a means to feed myself (ok, ok, things aren't THAT bad yet, but they'll get that way if I don't find jobs soon). I feel like I've been totally screwed out of life and I just want to give up. I'm so tremendously unhappy with the choices I've made for myself recently, and I can't really blame anybody else for that so I'm just avoiding everyone.

I just feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But I feel like if I reach out for help I'm going to snap, which is why I'm relying entirely on The Boy for support (he's trying really hard to understand, but he doesn't believe that depression is a real disease, he sees it as a state of mind). I know that in blogging about all of these problems I'll attract someone that wants to help, and it's not that I don't want to lean on someone, its that I need to learn how to rely on myself. Also, I know that blogging about this and then asking people to ignore it is sort of hypocritical, but I type faster than I write, and this is really the only diary I keep.

I'm going to stop now. I'll post Parte Deux tomorrow or later in the evening. I need a break.