Stagnant

I'm supposed to be starting on my project paper for my Native American History/Culture class. Does blogging while watching a PBS special on the Trial of Tears count? No? Didn't think so. At least it's educational?

I'm having a really hard time getting motivated to do anything lately. I blame the weather. And my bad haircut. I can't wait til it starts really growing in. My hair looks ridiculous in my visor at work. And it really needs to be dyed. I might do that before work tomorrow, but knowing me, I won't.

(Also, holy shit, this is really depressing subject matter. How is it that people can be so cruel to other people, just because they don't look the same? We're all people.)

I also blame this cold/allergy attack thing that I have going on. It's really bad. But at least I found out that if I take Benadryl, it won't put me to sleep immediately.

I managed to slam my hand into my car door this afternoon. Unpleasant.

It was nice to get to pick my brother up from school and take him to a movie though. Even though the movie put me in a really weird mood (The Knowing).

Nothing else has been new lately. Spring showers keep me inside where it's dry as much as possible. And when I'm inside and dry as much as possible, I've found that I eat a ton of bread/pasta/starch. Which means that I'm basically shooting myself in the foot on this whole get fit front. Oh bother.

Another unfortunate turn of events: I picked out a new desk. One that works perfectly for the room, and would actually look nice, with drawers to hide things. At IKEA. Honestly, I should invest in that company. Because by the time I've had my say, I'll have purchased half the products.

Hmmm...not much else to blog about. I suppose I should quit procrastinating and start doing some research? Pish-tosh. Pajama time!

Employed

Well, I got the job at Subway!

I didn't go through with the job at the cafe at Children's for two reasons:

1- Third shift work is really going to be a problem once I'm full time at MATC again in the summer and fall and 2- The lady at Subway told me that they'd be willing to be really flexible with my school/life schedule. That's important to me because school really needs to be a priority.

Also it doesn't hurt that I already know someone working there. It should be a ton of fun. And really, it's sandwiches, how hard could it be?

Not much else is going on right now, other than my bad haircut, but I'm sure it'll grow out and that will be that. I hope.

Subs

I got an interview at Subway on Wednesday. I'm really excited. Not to sound conceited, but I've got this. I've put in plenty of applications and then not gotten an interview, but I've never had an interview and not gotten the job. I'm very charismatic. And I know how to read people.

I don't understand how people can screw up interviews. Like, why would you show up to ANY interview in jeans and a ripped shirt? Or a miniskirt? Or anything equally inappropriate. Even though I'm only interviewing for retail positions, I dress office casual. I even dress up when putting in applications. Nobody wants to hire a slob. AFTER you've got the job you can stroll around in jeans (if dress code allows them).

I'm really hoping I get this, and I'm also still going to apply at that cafe at Children's. It would be nice to have all my debt paid off soon. Well, not all, because the student loans will take a while, but I don't owe on them for quite a long time. But I do have a massive problem with credit card debt. No more plastic for me, ever.

Update: I did get a check at AE. Hello 30 bucks!

Barista

I know it's been forever since my last post, but I honestly just haven't had the time. Well, that's a lie, because I have nothing but time on my hands, but I've been otherwise occupied.

I found out I only have 7 hours this week at AE. The only reason I had so many hours last week was A: I took 2 shifts for people and B: Floor set. So I probably won't be getting 20 hours consistently. TC told me Subway is hiring, so I went to visit and put in an application. They told me to call on Wednesday to follow up, so I'm sitting on my hands a little bit for that.

I did a quick search on Craigslist for barista positions, and I found a really good one working at the cafe at Children's Hospital. Granted, hospitals REALLY FREAK ME OUT, but I find cafes to be super relaxing. So who knows, maybe I'll just be at a normal-anxiety level. (Which for me is like...well imagine if you were constantly worried about at least 6 different things and all of those things were CRITICAL. Yeah.) The only thing is that it's 3rd shift. Which really does not bother me, as long as I can get into a good rythm with it. It would really only suck on Tuesday mornings, but I only have 4 more classes to go.

I also found a few other cafes looking for baristas, so I'm going to be driving all over town tomorrow applying for jobs.

It would also be really nice if I got paid anytime soon at AE. I think I have to wait a week yet, or two, which really sucks because I'm still overdraft, and owe a credit card payment to Citi, while my other card (I know, I know) is almost maxed (but to be fair it has a super low limit). I'm just not looking forward to having to ask my mom to buy me groceries (again). But as far as I know, she has a lot of money left on her child support debit card, which really, should go to helping me. I am, after all, in need of support.

Not much else is new. It's a really rainy drab day so I don't want to do anything, but I have to go back to the mall for a meeting now. Ugh.

Lottery

I really want to win the lottery right now. That would be really awesome.

I would also really appreciate it if life would quit kicking me in the shins already. I mean, they're already bruised, haven't you done enough? Apparently the answer is no.

At least I'm getting my last check from Starbucks tonight. I'm only expecting around a hundred, but that will help with the $300 overdraft I've got right now. Oh, and somehow I've got to magically pay my credit card bill and the phone bill. I love finances. I also love that I was never really taught how to manage money. Ahh life. Love it.

And I love that my anxiety with talking on the phone is getting so bad, that while I have $160 in uncashed paychecks waiting for me at MATC, I have to call to claim them and that terrifies me. I don't even know why I'm so afraid of calling people. I don't even like calling my mom or The Boy. I don't order pizza via telephone. I only use the phone when I absolutely HAVE TO. And usually it's an unpleasant experiance involving a call center worker in India claiming his name is Paul and rambling in an accent so unintelligible that I have no idea what's going on or what I'm agreeing to.

I suppose what will end up happening, is that I'll go downtown and try to talk to the lady myself. Oh, except next week is spring break. Which means that nobody will be around. FANTASTIC.

Did I ever mention that I love everything? No? I LOVE EVERYTHING!!!!!

Parte Deux

Ok, that last blog was really just my need to word-vomit my thoughts into something so I could sort them out. I wrote that, listened to sad music, cuddled a stuffed lamb, and cried. Then I took a nap and I felt much better. Sometimes blogging is just the catalyst for that process.

So anyways, on to the updating.

I got that job at AE, and my first day was last Sunday. It seems like a pretty laid back place to work, which is nice. I really really miss Starbucks, mostly for the people and the actual work. But it was probably just a matter of time, given my negative views on what the company was doing and the direction that it's headed in. And it feels good to know that I'll be getting at least a little income.

The Boy found out that he's not elligible for unemployment anymore because of his school schedule, so things are really really tight around here.

A friend of mine's mother works at the Outpost on State and I asked him to put in a word for me, because that's another place I'd love to work at.

Nothing new is really happening around here other than that. Oh, except I got my license. So I can stratch one new year's resolution off of my list (Job + Car by June 8). Now I just need to lose 20 lbs and get organized and get a real job (lofty goals, I know, especially the organized part. Ugh).

Well, now I have to go finish my laundry (double ugh).

Oh, PS, I really am super excited for you, Best Friend. I just had a selfish moment yesterday.

Parte Une

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be a blog in two parts. Don't read this one if you just want a general update on life. Read this one if you want to listen to me bitch about my girl-feelings. END DISCLAIMER.

Okay, here goes. I don't know what it's been lately but I've found that a lot of things seem to really be getting to me. Not having a job (well, sort of job), only being in one class this semester, not having any money to do anything ever, facing debt and losing my apartment...I just don't know how long its going to be before I break down.

Maybe my depression is just catching up to me. It's been a while since I've actively been in treatment. But at least I'm admitting that I have depression to people. I do this thing where I refuse do admit things about myself because then I'm just another statistic and then people feel bad for me. But that's another rant. I'm trying to come out of that, because keeping everything secret is not going to help me.

I've just been feeling really worthless lately. I just got this job at AE, which is nice because its income, but it isn't much, and it's not many hours, and The Boy can't get unemployment and I feel like unless I get another job (or two) REALLY SOON bad things are going to happen.

I have this feeling like I won't go back to school anymore. I can't work two or three jobs and be a full time student, and even then, I can't afford tuition. I feel like a huge failure, and it's starting to affect the way I see other people's accomplishments. I SHOULD feel super excited that my best friend gets to go to South Africa to study and that she goes to a great private school so she gets those kinds of opportunities. (I know my viewpoint is totally skewed on this, don't judge me, I'm just emotional). I know that talking to her right now is only going to bring her down so I'm doing a really bad thing and half-ignoring her. I just don't want to think about how she gets all these fantastic opportunities and I'm stuck folding shirts and desperately seeking two extra jobs to throw onto the load just to have a place to live and a means to feed myself (ok, ok, things aren't THAT bad yet, but they'll get that way if I don't find jobs soon). I feel like I've been totally screwed out of life and I just want to give up. I'm so tremendously unhappy with the choices I've made for myself recently, and I can't really blame anybody else for that so I'm just avoiding everyone.

I just feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But I feel like if I reach out for help I'm going to snap, which is why I'm relying entirely on The Boy for support (he's trying really hard to understand, but he doesn't believe that depression is a real disease, he sees it as a state of mind). I know that in blogging about all of these problems I'll attract someone that wants to help, and it's not that I don't want to lean on someone, its that I need to learn how to rely on myself. Also, I know that blogging about this and then asking people to ignore it is sort of hypocritical, but I type faster than I write, and this is really the only diary I keep.

I'm going to stop now. I'll post Parte Deux tomorrow or later in the evening. I need a break.

Quote

I'm trying to get quotes for auto insurance from Progressive. I've gotten a quote before but I can't remember my user ID so I'm just starting over. What really irritates me is that the box for my last name doesn't hold more than 12 characters. My last name is 15.

Why don't websites (because this isn't the only one) allow people with long names to fill out forms? I mean, I can't be the only person around with a 14 letter long last name (15, with the hyphen). And if I just put my first last name, well it works but it isn't entirely legal. I have a cousin with the same first, middle, and first last name as myself, and trust me, we get confused. I've never actually met her, but we've gotten dental records confused, I've gotten her insurance bills. It's really annoying. So I would really prefer to have my REAL LAST NAME on my forms. Omitting the hyphen just confuses people.

Which brings me to my next rant. It worries me how illiterate people are. I mean, my first last name is made up, so I suppose that gives a small excuse as to why people can't pronounce it. but my second last name is an actual word. In fact, its a word in this paragraph. But people CANNOT SEEM TO PRONOUNCE IT CORRECTLY. I just want to reach across the counter when people mispronounce it. Also, it is not ok just to call me by my second last name because that's easier. That's being lazy.

ARG. I can't wait until I either A) Finally change my last name or B) Get married. I'm so sick of stupid people. I just want a short, simple last name, even if it is Fails. Really.