So ya want a revelation?

Today I had a revelation. Nay, an epiphany if you will. Something that has been bothering me for a long time has suddenly come into new light. Here goes.

For a long time I've felt like I don't belong anywhere. I've spent my entire life trying to fit in somewhere, anywhere. I've tried my hand at being several different people. (Not like, "Hey, I'm Petunia today", but like...personalities). Granted, all these personalities have some relevance to something I actually enjoy. I've tried to be the artistic girl, the writer girl, the singer, the crafter. These are all things I very much enjoy. However, I'm not super into any one thing. And that's when it hit me. I've been trying to be somebody else for so long, that I don't know who I am.

That sounds odd. I mean, I know who I am, I know what I like, I'm just not sure who I AM yet. I don't know what defines me. I don't have a particular passion. Except my passion for trying to be something. Oddly enough, whatever I'm trying to be...I never feel like I'm "enough". I'm not crafty enough, not goth enough, not artsy enough.

I still need to find that part of myself. Right now I'm doing the few things I know how to do: work and go to school. Hopefully when I transfer I'll have a little more freedom to discover who I am. It's a frightening idea that I'm almost a complete stranger to myself.

Oh, on a side note, I'm working on my first actual novel. On my "to do before I die" list is write a novel and get said novel published. I don't want to make a career out of it or anything. By no means is writing my entire life. However, to see my name and something I've written in print has always been a big dream for me. I know I have my whole life to do this, but why put off something you can do today? Why not start now? I mean hell, this thing could take me years to finish.

Another update, I'm working on actually having my own blog site. I'm trying to come up with a good url, and figure out how I'm going to code the page. If anybody knows a site that would give me my own url, but have an existing blog template, that would be awesome. (I know about freewebs, but that's a freewebs url, not my own. I don't know if they have a pay option that would give my my own url. I'm checking into that momentarily).

Oh, and Merry Christmas to all you Christians out there. Happy Hanukka (or however that's spelled) to those of the Jewish faith. And of course, Happy Yuletide to my fellow pagans. And Happy everything else to those I'm missing.

Peace.